Saturday, July 22, 2006

First Post

This is the first post of my new blog. I am wanting to explore some issues in my life:

1. I love my partner. He is one of the best men in the world, a wonderful and loyal friend, and a fantastic and very involved dad. I think we basically have a pretty good relationship except in one respect. His health is poor, partly as a result of his time as a grunt in Vietnam, and as a result our sex life suffers. The quality is good, but the quantity, well, it isn't there. I have three main respones to this:

  • being almost fine about it. I do other things. I stay positive. I focus on the good stuff in our relationship and in our lives together
  • being somewhat disappointed, but basically okay
  • and at other times, I am frustrated, sad, humiliated, angry, resentful, devastated and so dismayed at the idea that this is my sex life for ever and ever that I am almost ready to cut and run despite all the good stuff.

2. I think I have a good job. Fairly secure, good working conditions, and enough meaningful work to make me feel like I'm not completely wasting my time. But sometimes, to tell the truth, I really wonder what the hell I am doing there. I am bright - officially bright, in that I have a PhD (which I admit is not the best measure of intelligence, but is at least something). I always thought and hoped I would do something that was a real contribution to the world. And here I am, working for the government, putting up with bullshit politics, and mostly tolerating the fact that it moves at a snail's pace. We're talking glacial time here to achieve anything positive. Ice ages come and go between real achievements. So am I just wasting my life here???

3. I love my ten month old son. I went through a lot of fertility treatment to have him. In a way, its possibly a good thing my partner was infertile so that we could just acknowledge we needed the treatment, as otherwise we would have had to battle through the reality that having sex 2-3 times a year is probably not going to result in conception! But mothering sometimes is just so hard. The drudgery side of it seems endless. And our son is a donor conceived IVF baby of a Vietnam Veteran with a lot of health issues including post-combat trauma or PTSD (not to mention any of my issues!). Sometimes I just wonder how he is going to deal with all these issues.

Of course, these aren't the only issues in my life. Just the top three. I could include issues like our finances and debt levels (pitiful), my weight and my feelings about my (fat, including post-baby fat) body, my very tenuous faith and spirituality (don't get me started), but maybe these should be saved for another day, since my boy is waking up! Mummy mode calling...


Blogger FTN said...

Hey, I feel honored to be your first commenter. I'm glad you started a blog. You've always got something interesting to say on a lot of other blogs, so it'll be interesting to hear more about you, no matter how often you post.

Being that your partner was in Vietnam, I assume he is 50+. If it isn't too forward to ask, about what age are you? I know you are never supposed to ask a female that, so I apologize. I'm just assuming you are at least a bit younger than him since you did recently have a child (congratulations, by the way!).

5:56 PM  
Blogger Kateri said...

Interesting. I'm looking froward to reading more.

Congratulations on entering the world of blogging! I hope it's as good to you as it's been to me.

6:44 PM  
Blogger Dewdrop said...

Hi Emily :),
welcome to the blogging world! I just wondered what inspired you to actually start your own blog, because I know you've commented on other blogs but up until now (as far as I know) never had a blog of your own?
Best wishes, oh and thank you for the link to your blog!

11:30 PM  
Blogger Satan said...

I'm glad you started this, emily - I've really enjoyed reading your comments on other blogs so far.
And I'm very interested to see where you go with your #1 issue.

4:26 AM  
Blogger Rob said...

I too welcome you to blogland Emily and compliment you on an interesting inaugural blog post entry. As you know, no one here in blogland has all the answers, if maybe only a few appropriate ones, but we do offer support and companionship. So I'll be dropping by from time to time, (evil grin) and all. Take care now.

5:22 AM  
Blogger Rosie said...

Hello Emily, I too have seen your insightful and intelligent comments at various places. Hope you find this endeavor a happy one.

7:23 AM  
Blogger Summer Rose said...

Welcome! to blogland, and congrats on having a baby boy. I'll have to tell CH there is someone new to read.
Take Care

8:21 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Hi all

Thanks for visiting - its great to see you! I enjoy all your blogs and comments, so its particularly lovely to see the familiar names.

FTN - Well, I feel honoured that you are my first commenter. Yes, my partner is 58 and I am 34. We met when I was 20 and he was 44. Its a big age gap, but at least he is no longer more than twice my age!

Dewdrop - Thanks for all the welcomes! As to starting my blog, its partly because I feel like I have a lot to say, all dammned up. Also, I previously thought that starting a blog like this might be a major breach of my partner's privacy. But now he has started his own blog, so I feel a bit freer to start one, too.

Actually, I am surprised by how therapeutic posting is. I am feeling better already!

5:25 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

ps as a small token of my esteem for you early visitors, I have made sure that all of you who have blogs are linked here.

5:37 PM  
Blogger Rob said...

"ps as a small token of my esteem for you early visitors, I have made sure that all of you who have blogs are linked here."

Well that will never happen in my case but no worries! :-)

3:46 AM  
Blogger So Gone Over You said...

Hey, welcome to the blogging world. Just jumped on your blog from a comment you made in Peanut's. Congrads on your beautiful baby boy and best wishes with the relationship issues you are dealing with...

6:50 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Hi So Gone - I read your blog from time to time, and its great. Thanks for the welcome, and I have linked to your blog, too.

2:18 PM  
Blogger Brown Bear said...

Hi Emily,
A belated welcome to the blogging world. You'll find that as an outlet for your frustrations, and as a way to work through the issues in your intimate life blogging can help. Believe me it works, speaking from someone who has been blogging on a similar subject to you.
Good luck, and welcome to the blogworld :-)

1:22 AM  

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