Friday, August 18, 2006


You know, I think I have told you how much I love my partner. And I do.

But sometimes, I feel like I can't take the sadness any more. I feel like I can't take the endless, unsatisfied yearning any more. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this.

Sometimes I feel like my body has gone dead. I run my hands over my body, over my breasts and stomach and thighs, and I hardly feel anything.

When I decided to go ahead and try to have a child together, I thought, this is it, the decision to stay together is made. No more staying and wondering if I should leave. No more breaking up and wishing we were back together. No more pathetic attempts to have relationships with people who are not half the person he is and who I will never love half as much, and who will never love me half as much. Just make the stupid decision and stick with it.

And at some level, I thought, most women pretty much go off sex for a long time after they have kids. Probably I won't even mind. And if I do, too bad.

But how long can I go on like this?

Sometimes I am not sure if my partner is the best thing that has ever happened to me, or the worst.


Blogger freebird said...

Go back a few posts, Emily and look at all those resolutions for making life better. Maybe it's time for a treat (non-food-related of course!). And BTW, I think I should join you on all of them.

8:29 AM  
Blogger Rob said...

Emily, I agree with Freebird - life is never easy and, for some, truly hard at times. All you can do is to take control over your own pleasure, seeking it out where you may find it, in various ways, not necessarily just sexual in nature either. We all have to learn to cope and be creative in order to get through our daily lives, each in our own way.

5:51 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Thank you to you both.

Rob - I think my life is hard at times, with the baby and work and the Vietnam-related and sex-related illness and sadness running through it, but sometimes I am ashamed of how much whining I do. I appreciate your consistent interest and support, though.

Freebird- if you want to join me, go ahead! Having a "resolutions buddy" for company and accountability would be great!

7:46 PM  

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