Thursday, August 24, 2006

Thinking about Tofu

I've had a few days now to think about the other night, and what it may mean for our sex life.

Firstly, as I mentioned before, I was pleasantly surprised. I had been worried that an absence of arousal on his part and a probable lack of emotional intimacy and "preliminaries" would mean that I simply wouldn't be able to get aroused and stimulated enough to be satisfied. But in fact, there was quite a lot of touching and kissing before his bringing me to orgasm by hand. Rather than wanting me to "get on with it and get it over with", as I thought he might, he encouraged me to slow down and enjoy it rather than racing to finish. There was intimacy there, both physical and emotional.

And I had two surprisingly powerful orgasms - if anything, more powerful than the ones I usually have. I think this may have been partly because not attempting to do anything to him allowed me to focus completely on my own body and what I was feeling. In my experience, the female orgasm, great as it is, generally requires a lot of focus. And there was a certain greedy-pig satisfaction in not having to think of him, or what I should do next to him, and being able to focus solely on my own pleasure.

I think the absence of that nervous clashing libido chatter in my head ("Is he doing this because he really wants to? Have I guilted him into this? Is he enjoying himself?") really helped, too.

I was relieved to find that it lacked that quality of humiliation and desperation of the dreaded mercy fuck. It did not feel like it was motivated by guilt and manipulation. It felt like it was motivated by love.

However, I did notice the absence of that sweet, mutual satisfaction and tenderness that has generally followed our lovemaking. Afterwards, instead of snuggling together and telling each other how great it was, he got up quite matter of factly to watch TV, and I followed his lead in that respect.

My honest feeling was that, overall, that session was more like an elaborate masturbation session that happened to involve him than making love. It was nicer than masturbation in that he was involved. It was more exciting than masturbation, in that it wasn't just a routine getting off. There was an absence of resentment on my part of the "Oh, well, I'll just do it myself, then, AS USUAL!!! variety. And yet, there was also that critical absence of mutuality.

I also didn't have that feeling of exhilaration and euphoria that I generally have after good sex between us - perhaps because of an underlying sadness and sense of defeat that we have come to this, after more than a decade of my fighting very hard for something very different.

But, you know, the other night did show that I can be physically satisfied and see that my partner is making a real effort to meet my needs, and that he can do so without causing himself any pain or sickness. We both, in a sense, felt better - me, primarily because I could stop feeling so deprived and focus on other things, and I could appreciate his thoughtfulness instead of feeling so resentful, and him because he could stop feeling so guilty. But the feeling better was essentially about reducing negative feelings rather than creating and enjoying positive feelings.

Overall, I would say that the tofu burger analogy holds. I wanted that sizzling hot steak. I wanted it more than anything. And tofu burger, however beautifully prepared, is not what I wanted. If the steak was available, I would be going right for it.

But, you know, tofu burger is nourishing in its way. And if tofu is all there is, I am better off appreciating it for what it is than focusing on what it isn't.

And probably any kind of food is better than starvation.

And after all, as people say, its the company that counts. Its not the food - its who you're having it with.


Blogger Rob said...

Emily, it looks like you two have almost got it down right there, considering his health and all. I say *almost* because he dropped the ball on the one yard line (to use a North American football analogy). After you had achieved your pleasure, with him helping you, rather than getting up to go watch tv (as in, right - job well done, now on to something else), instead he should have cuddled with you for awhile as you slowly came down from your afterglow. Remind him of that well before the next time that you two enjoy yourselves and all should then go even better for you. As well, couples often enjoy heightened pleasure by watching each other pleasure themselves and then afterwards just snuggling. So this approach that you two have decided on does have much promise.

6:34 AM  
Blogger oldbear said...

Hi Emily, congrats onthe new door this opens for you guys..a chance to maybe find something good that might maybe lead to full sex someday.?/?

Robs idea to mention you would have liked to have him cuddle aftrwrds is a great one. If I might be bold enough to suggest a different tack in case the ohter one is too direct or not received well by him, do not in any way convey that anything about it was sub par or not up to your desires. PERHAPS a better way is to frequently spend extra time from here on cudding with him and admiring his body and telling him how you love having him neaar you love the feel of his body, etc.

Next time you are trying tofu, use some hot talk to remind him how hot you are/are getting and how much you crave his masculine body to fondle and how it gets you hot to have him around and how you will show him with a big orgasm how much he excites you.

The idea is apeal to his male ego that he is sexy to you, and that he gives you pleasure by being near for you to touch and from hm touching you. Go slow at introducing these concepts, try a little and see if he balks.

Trust me, one of the things I KNOW from experience is how hot this kind of thing can be ;-) !!!

7:48 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Sorry to get slightly off-topic about something you mentioned briefly... but can a GUY really give a "mercy f**k?" (Now why can't I just type that out?) Wouldn't his physical ability to have sex at all give some indication of his pleasure and enjoyment in the experience? Just wondering.

The "cuddling" and "afterglow" is of keen interest to me, because that's something that just never really happens in the FTN household. Again, I always hear women really want that, but I just don't see it here.

Anyway, try to look at your tofu as a positive thing, rather than thinking about the steak that you DIDN'T get.

10:33 AM  
Blogger freebird said...

In my experience, trying out new dishes is fun and exciting. But even though you’ve done everything it says in the book, invariably the recipe needs a few adjustments to get it just right. Perhaps you may not have all the ingredients in your cupboard, so you just improvise and adapt, adding a little extra spice wherever needed, til eventually you find that you’ve created something really delicious and satisfying!
Oh, and tv is never a good digestive!

3:08 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Is it too late to reply to these comments now? Probably no one will notice!

FTN - I hate to tell you this, but the afterglow is one of the best bits. If you are missing out on it, you are missing out bigtime.

Its not unlike the glow and euphoria you get from a really good exercise session, except that it has a specifically sexual feel. You glow from the exercise, from the release of tension, from feeling the blood move to the very tips of your fingers and toes, from the affirmation, from the feeling os closeness to your partner. In my experience, it is only missing when the experience has lacked a certain mutuality. Which leads me to suspect that, if you are not experiencing it, then I am not the only one eating tofu burger around here.

Rob, OldBear and Freebird - I will ponder your suggestions. I will also ponder firebombing our TV!

4:41 PM  

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