Thursday, August 02, 2007

Addictions II

I've just been reminded of another reason I love alcohol so much.

I had a hard day at work today. I worked like a demon. And when I came home, after a few hours of childcare and wholesome family life, I thoroughly enjoyed an entire bottle of wine. I was relaxed, I was happy. Once the Big Dude was in bed, I listened to music and danced around the house like a maniac. I was having fun (and I didn't forget to clean up the kitchen, either).

And part of the reason I was having fun was that I was that girl again. That girl who worked hard and played hard. Who listened to great music, who tore strips off powerful politicians in public forums, who could dance like a djin and fuck like a rattlesnack.

That girl is gone, or going. Other things are required of me, now. The mother, the wife, the sober bureaucrat (If it be thy will, O Prime Minister, I am no longer your enemy but your humble servant). But secretly, I love to resurrect her just for while so that I can enjoy being her again.

To be honest, with a few drinks in, I am actually a better person. I am a "happy drunk". A more cheeful and interesting person. There is none of that self-pitying, reproachful wailing you get from some. I semi-forget all that caution and sensibleness and prioritising. I am more relaxed and more open. I am interested in virtually everything and more able to connect with othr people.

I haven't forgotten that the one time I was able to have a proper conversation with my sister about her sexual assault, I was three sheets to the wind. For some reason, I was able to draw her out, ask the right questions and not say the wrong thing. It was the most meaningful conversation we'd had in years - probably the most meaningful conversation we'd ever had. And I haven't forgotten a word of it.

What does alcohol have that effect on some people? And why can't I quite get there without it? And why do I have this uneasy feeling that I should give it up entirely?


Blogger FTN said...

In vino, veritas.

Yet... you also wrote:

"And why can't I quite get there without it?"

The thing is, you can. It just takes some effort. Too many of us use alcohol as an excuse to act differently. You don't have to be a whole new person after a bottle of wine... You can be that person without it.

9:10 AM  
Blogger C-Marie said...

What a post - I guess these are some of the things that do and have pondered as I sit out on my back porch, gazing at a midnight sky but in a blink of an eye *poof* they are no more as life leads me away from them.

How I can relate!


4:37 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Many use the alcohol almost more as an "excuse" to let the inhibitions that keep us from relating to one another down, as much as the actual lowering of the inhibitions themselves, as FTN points out.

We rely on the perception that if we've had something to drink, it's "okayer" to loosen up; and, sometimes, it seems as if we do so in order to have that excuse if we're embarrassed later:

"I never would have spoken to/about/with that/her/him that way, if I hadn't had a drink"...

3:37 PM  
Blogger Trueself said...

Knowing that it would be easy for me to become addicted to alcohol I use a rule that was shared with me by a very good friend several years ago:

If I feel like I want a drink then I have a drink.
If I feel like I need a drink I don't have a drink.

Don't know that this method would work for everyone (probably not), but it works for me.

7:32 AM  
Blogger freebird said...

Oh Emily, that is SO much like me. I am so much more comfortable with a drink - and doesn't that sound alarming! I don't go along with the 'excuse' theory at all, but I would love to be able to loosen up just that little bit without alcohol as my above statement does sound rather like dependence. I can certainly talk more confidently, be more witty, more creative and more fun after a little alcohol, but too much and (unlike you) I forget it all afterwards! So FTN, how do you be that person without it?

10:48 AM  

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