Friday, March 21, 2008

IVF Cycle 1: Counting the Cost

This morning, as the Big Dude pushed a needle full of Lucrin into my stomach, he said, "Remember, I'm doing this for love".

In all honestly, I'm not feeling very loving.

Last night, I dreamed that the Big Dude told me he'd found someone else. He'd met some woman in a cafe three weeks before, had been sleeping with her for a fortnight, and was going to leave me. I woke up crying. But within minutes, I was thinking about how much simpler my life would be without him.

It's true. After spending most of the last 16 years together, I'm still not sure whether my relationship with the Big Dude has been the greatest blessing or the worst mistake of my life.

I am feeling quite sorry for myself today. I look at my Big Dude, and I'm happy to be with him. Such a familiar, warm, comforting presence. But I look at my life and I'm a whole lot less satisfied. Because I chose him, I will probably never have: (a) a house of our own, (b) a satisfying sex life, (c) a time when I am not looking after him or (d) children conceived in a normal way.

The price of this relationship is pretty high. Sometimes it looks too high.


Blogger Fusion said...

Never say never Emily, at 48 I never thought I'd find myself living as a widower in Australia, learning a new trade. Life is funny that way...

Hopefully next week/month/year you'll be thinking differently.

12:03 AM  
Blogger freebird said...

Surely it's the hormones...?

6:53 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

The price may be high, but surely after all that time, the benefits outweigh the cost(?).

I hope so.

10:42 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Blend of fusion with ftn, from me- don't rule out anything at all, and that comforting presence is nothing to take lightly.

Hope the process works quickly for you :)

9:26 PM  
Blogger Val said...

Keeping fingers crossed for you, hon...
Best wishes!

10:48 AM  

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