IVF 3: It's Over

My specialist obviously thought my results were as pathetic as I did. He jacked up the drugs to an unusually high level and ordered another ultrasound, hoping to get a better outcome.

But the blood tests showed very low estrogen and my cycle has now been cancelled.

At some level, I just can't believe it. I waited seven months, had an operation, spent all that time preparing myself mentally and physically for the big event, and it just failed so quickly. Over almost as soon as it began.

The clinic has suggested a flare cycle next - its a different protocol, where they don't shut down my own system so hard and the whole cycle is a lot shorter. It's possible that I am just one of those women who get over-suppressed on the lucrin, with hormone levels pushed down so low they just can't get up again in time.

But there is another possibility which is in my thoughts every day now. In the last year, I've had four (possible) follicles, two follicles, and now one. The drugs don't make a difference to the number of follicles available to be stimulated, they only stop some of them from dropping out of maturing to produce a viable egg.

What if I am just ageing faster that I predicted? What if it's all one follicle from here on out? Or maybe soon no follicles?

Statistically, fertility does start to drop sharply from around 37 years old (actually, it declines from your mid-20s), but its very individual. My friend Pat is pregnant again at 44 years old and she has conceived every time she has tried. I am only just 37 years old and I look unusually young for my age. My face is smooth and plump with only one tiny and very light wrinkle where I keep frowning when I write and think. My hair is shiny. I move with energy and dynamism. I'm cheerful and optimistic. People often think I'm only in my late 20s, and even I know that I look that way.

But maybe its all an illusion. My mother has just told me she entered menopause quite young, at 40 years old. Physically, I am very like my mother, including having the exact same pattern of my natural cycle.

What if I just blew seven months of my last fertile year because of a stupid operation I turned out not to need? What if not just this cycle, but this chance, is over before it really began?