Saturday, August 26, 2006

The Mercy Fuck

FTN has asked a very interesting question:

Can a GUY really give a "mercy f**k?" (Now, why can't I just type that out?) Wouldn't his physical ability to have sex at all give some indication of his pleasure and enjoyment in the experience? Just wondering.

I see what you mean, but the answer is yes.

I do not think that the mercy fuck completely precludes any arousal or enjoyment on the part of the fucker. The essential quality of the mercy fuck, in my opinion, is the desperation and humiliation of the fuckee.

A mercy fuck from a man, just to draw on one of my own painful experiences, goes something like this. The man is asleep. He wakes to find his woman weeping in the dark because it has been so long. She is weeping from frustration, sadness, and a deep belief that she must be the most unattractive woman on earth to be so neglected. He asks what is wrong. She chokes out "You know whats wrong". He sighs, realizes that it has been, say, six months, and that he has been so enjoying his freedom from his obligations that he may have gone too far. He feels sorry for her, poor thing. He wipes her tears away and he fucks her.

And possibly, he feels some small amount of attraction to her. He probably wouldn't be in a relationship with her if he didn't. Possibly he even gets some slight enjoyment from it. And he feels better afterwards, like he has done his bit. He may or may not have had any pleasure, but he has probably relieved his guilt.

But for the fuckee, she does not feel better. This is because she knows that the fuck has been "provided" solely on the basis of feelings of pity. Her partner has nobly helped someone less fortunate than himself by "giving her what she wants". It is not a mutual experience of desire or love or tenderness. It is a hand-out.

Somehow, a relationship that was once equal and mutually satisfying, in which you were both givers and receivers, has become transformed. You have worked hard on the relationship, you have fulfilled every possible obligation, you have poured out your love and encouragement to your partner, you have been faithful despite much provocation. And your reward is that you have gradually been reduced to the status of a hanger-on who gets the occasional crumb from the table of plenty. You have become a beggar in the house of love.

In my experience, you only get a mercy fuck when you are so desperate, so depressed, that you arouse, not desire, not even affection, but pity. And in most cases, it fuels your depression because it confirms that you are so undesirable that the only way of getting some is by begging.

You don't have to literally beg to be mercy fucked. You can even take some small pride in not even asking. It can take the form of trying to be attractive to someone you know doesn't want to be attracted. It can take the form of trying to touch someone you know doesn't want to be touched. It can take the form of smiling sweetly and taking whatever shit they're currently handing out in the hope of getting laid. It can take the form of a general meltdown of weeping and reproaches (the classic female approach). It can take the form of being so grumpy and sour that you are becoming impossible to live with (the classic male approach).

But it is begging all the same. You have become a beggar. And in fact, the final humiliation of the mercy fuck is not just that you are so desperate as to arouse this kind of pity, but that you are so desperate you accept it.

Actually, maybe thats NOT the final humiliation. Maybe, just to throw in a completely gratuitous level of suffering, having taught you to survive on crumbs, they get to call YOU selfish. And maybe you suck it up because, hey, it might get you another one.

Now you really are fucking pitiful. Not just in their eyes, but in your own. Now your humiliation really is complete.

Excuse my strong language, but, you know, I have strong feelings on this subject.


Blogger trueself said...

I understand COMPLETELY.
Been there, done that. . . for far too long.

5:51 PM  
Blogger AlwaysArousedGirl said...


That's so on.

I'd also add that the mercy fuck can be accomplished with a tongue or fingers, not just a penis. Even less emotional connection is required.

Thanks, Emily, and know that you are not the only one who has spent time crying tears of rage and frustration. The only saving grace (if it is one) is that eventually all the tears will be gone and you'll get to the point that you just accept that it is the way it is. You don't have to be happy about it, but you accept it.


6:28 PM  
Blogger Digger Jones said...

Yep, that sums it up, nicely. Except for the fact that a man is often made to feel like a perverted rapist just for begging.

AAG is right, the mercy handjob can be pretty cold. Anytime there is only one naked person in the room and the other REFUSES to get naked or be touched in any is degrading.


6:53 PM  
Blogger Satan said...

It's an awful, scary experience. It feels so disgusting, and you are just thinking "Is this what it's supposed to be like? What did I do wrong to deserve this?"

5:20 AM  
Blogger freebird said...

Once again, Emily, an incredibly sad and stirring post and I didn't want to leave without commenting, but..... I am at a loss for words. (Sorry, not a lot of point leaving a comment like that, is there?!) All I can say is that you explained your position so brilliantly and (again) my heart goes out to you.
I've been wondering, though, if your husband shows affection in other ways (without being asked to) and what he is getting out of this relationship.

10:55 AM  
Blogger Mr. Husbland said...

Ack, I'm cringing reading this because I've been in that same spot.

Nothing good can happen from a mercy fuck.

1:02 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

Yes, I decided some time ago that, while mercy fucking might be okay in theory (you could call it love-fucking, right? As compared to lust-fucking), in practice, it is just too horrible.

Down with the mercy fuck! My minimum standard in relation to our sex life is no mercy fucking. I would rather never have sex again than have another one of those.

Freebird- yes, my partner does show affection in other ways. In fact, he shows it in every other possible way. Its like with sex, he has this blindspot that doesn't operate in any other area of our lives. That's part of what makes it so frustrating and hard to understand. If he was an insensitive git in any other area, it would make more sense, but he isn't.

4:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You describe women as the recipients. However, the "mercy" often runs the other way. In her day, my sister was quite attractive and gave a "mercy f*ck" to a very fat, hideous guy who had ingratiated himself by being useful. That is a classic male strategy for getting some (that, and being filthy rich).

1:01 PM  
Blogger Sorakeyblademaster37 said...

That pretty much describes the unhealthy, screwed up, nasty sexuality of the mercy f***. Though honestly, if you want to be more generous to the mercy f***ers, you could call it a "love f***," but once it's done *repeatedly* and clearly not helping then even in just intentions it goes from naive "charity" to straight up self-flagellating obligation out of a sense of pity.

Personally, I really have an extremely low opinion of people who try to exploit pity f***ers, and even more so /guilt/ f***ers. They're just as bad as career pity f***ers. Why? Because you're entitled to *REFUSE* to have sex with ANYONE for ANY reason WHATSOEVER, ANY REASON AT ALL. Trying to emotionally play on someone's kindness (or guilt) to deal with your sexual frustration makes you genuinely pathetic, IMO, and not in a sympathetic way; disgusting even. Read about or look at sexy, romantic people like other frustrated people, and just don't give up and DIE.

Exploiting people is *always* a sign of a ruthless, dangerous personality who will drag others down into a hole with them, whether they have the hyped personality disorders or not. If they weren't such a person, they'd /at least/ try to exploit people for /platonic/ love rather than try to snare people's heart and penis/vagina into romance and sex.

11:07 PM  
Blogger Sorakeyblademaster37 said...

Damn, it looks like I can't edit comments, so I deeply apologize for double posting.

I know people who *exploit* this. I'm talking about CAREER pity f***ers. I've actually seen people say most of their f*** buddies were pity f***s. That's just as horrible as the above. Scum in homo sapiens sapiens form. Really they sound like /they/ think they're losers as well and they can't the sex they want unless they go after "easy" people. The Hell kind of "WINNER" (to use a Charlie Sheen term) targets such people for sex?

11:16 PM  
Blogger FUQ said...

Mercy fuck me Emily.��

8:22 PM  

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