Wednesday, September 27, 2006

A Day in the Life

Now, there is a post I have been meaning to write, and I will, especially since I don't like to leave Freebird in suspense. But just at the moment, I really don't feel like writing that post. I feel like writing something else. And since blogging is basically an indulgence, I am going to write what I feel like.

Because I am having one of those days. One of those days where I wake up, the sun is shining, and for some reason I feel incredibly alive and remarkably happy. But also one of those days where my skin seems extra-sensitive, and I can really feel my own long, silky hair brushing against my neck, my breasts tingling, my whole body simultaneously happy to be alive and yet wanting so much more... yearning to be touched. I run my hands over my own breasts and thighs and stomach. Soothing, but not enough. But, instead of doing the obvious, I get on with my day. Because I feel so awakened that I just want to stay here, on that edge between desire, longing and... what?

I have lunch in a cafe, and there is such a beautiful man there. Normally, I am so deep in work-mode that I don't even notice, but today I do. He is one of those good-looking young students who brighten up so many cafes with their good looks, their energy, their optimism, their big plans for the future. And instead of thinking my usual "Hmmph! He'll learn!", I allow myself the indulgence so many men allow themselves. Of just looking at a young, attractive member of the opposite sex and melting into a little puddle of desire while he waits on me, so polite, so sparky and eager to please. I can feel the same fond and foolish smile forming on my lips that I have seen on the faces of my male colleagues, looking at the girls. So embarrassing. I wipe it off, and frown into my newspaper.

I am like this all day. Its part pleasure, part pain. At one point, I go through your blogs. Almost every single one of the posts there is about sex to the point that its slightly embarrasing, in case anyone sees what I'm reading. But one thing is clear: If I am a sex maniac, I am clearly not alone. Rather annoyingly, a number of you are having sex.

I go home. I am, at this point, almost quivering with the desire, the yearning. The postman may be in trouble today, I think to myself.

But of course, what I am feeling is not just the desire for sex, but the desire for my partner. And oh yes, I know what Digger means about the desire for comfort. If I can't have sex with the Big Dude, I at least so want the comfort of his attention, his voice, his arms, his touch.

But my Big Dude still has the same virus I am recovering from and is, as usual when he is particularly sick, regarding me as a cross between an unwelcome intrusion and a potential servant. He doesn't really want to be with me, that would be too much effort, but he does want me to cook dinner. I do cook dinner. I ask if there is anything else I can do for him because, you know, I do love him.

And even though I know he is sick, I still think quietly "Please notice me. Please love me. Please touch me. I would do anything for you, anything at all."

Instead, we watch TV. And the whole time I am thinking:



Blogger Cat said...

Man it really must be in the air or something. I have such a heightened awareness lately. Unfortunately it is worse when you don't just want attention/sex but you want it from one particular person but they are unavailable for whatever reason.

6:30 PM  
Blogger Rob said...


Yes, Emily, there you have lots of company in this life - many of us looking for our own "tofu burger". We all, from various perspectives, can relate to your situation and feelings.

6:40 PM  
Blogger Dewdrop said...

My husband constantly serves me tofuburgers...sorry I'm laughing here because I don't fucking want one!

11:45 PM  
Blogger freebird said...

You wait 'til you're my age and find that 'fond and foolish smile' forming on your lips for those good-looking young student-waiters! You'll still notice them, you know. And why is it so much more embarrassing and pathetic when it's an older woman looking than when it's an older man, I wonder...?

1:55 AM  
Blogger Satan said...

I know exactly how you feel, only not so frustrated. :P
I hope the Big Dude recovers quickly!

3:56 AM  
Blogger trueself said...

As happens so often, I can relate very well to this post. All too well.

5:03 AM  
Anonymous Rosie said...

Here a toast -- to toasted Tofu Burger. All you can eat.

4:06 PM  
Blogger C-Marie said...

I can honestly say - I get like that all too often. Not AS often as before but it still happens and without response. It saddens me and I quickly try to put all those sensations away - far far away.

5:08 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

Cat - I know. Why does this happen? I started off happy. I ended up deeply peeved.

Rob - Well, misery loves company :-)

Dewdrop - I know. It seems like people always have too much or too little. I assume there are people who have just the right amount, but I guess they're too busy DOING it to write about it. Lucky buggers.

By the way, I wish you would go BACK to blogging about sex. It used to cheer me up, when I was feeling deprived, to be reminded of just how awful it can be :-)

Freebird - Well, I think they look foolish too :-)

Satan, Trueself, C-Marie - Ta muchly for the empathy. It does help.

Rosie - Yes! And a toast to steak sandwiches, too!

7:06 PM  
Blogger oldbear said...

Hi Emily, glad you had a great day. I am sorry you did not get your vegan burger. (Would digital stimulation be Soy-rizo? Horny Chicanos want to know-LOL)

I think instances like this are one of the more mundane places a feminine-dominated relationship might be beter than a so called vanilla one. Assuming the guy is not seriously ill or contagious by lengual-labial contact. Lady comes home, wants to be pleasured, including oral sex. She demands it, gets it, aand usually the male is tremendously aroused by it too :-). He can always TCofB himself while they cuddle, or after he massages her to sleep. I know, a little radical for most people, but it has benes for the guy too. No more guessing when and if she needs you, she tells you when she wants it! After some trial and error and practice the man has the luxury of KNOWING for sure its great for the Lady EVERYTIME. Most men who are devoted to their wives would love To know for sure she is having great pleasure EVERY time.


Hi Freebird, some of us dont think its more foolish or inappropriate for a woman to look.

And as for older women, one of the few things I would do differently for sure if I could be young again would be to go out with the 40-60 ish ladies more while I was in my 20s. Too conformist-by-rote and unknowing to go after those ladies, but I did luck my way into a few encounters.

Thanks Ladies, OB.

7:40 PM  
Blogger Dewdrop said...

"By the way, I wish you would go BACK to blogging about sex. It used to cheer me up, when I was feeling deprived, to be reminded of just how awful it can be :-)"

*laughing* Well THANKS!!! I'm glad my misery made you feel better (j/k)....!!!

12:19 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home