100 Posts

Blogger tells me that this is my 100th post. Time to celebrate. And to be surprised. Because, to be honest, I started this blog one morning completely on impulse, with no particular commitment to even a second post. So 100 posts seems like a lot, and certainly more than I would have expected.

I have been wondering lately if I should wind up this blog because it does take some time away from my family and from other priorities. And there are practical issues. Ever since the Little Dude dropped his morning sleep a few weeks ago, it is very difficult to get the kind of uninterrupted time that posting requires. And I have a slight RSI problem from being on the computer so much at work, which blogging doesn't much help.

But I find that I am curiously reluctant to quit. Because the fact is that blogging is bringing me a lot of benefits that I am reluctant to give up.

Firstly, the venting. Venting is good. I have bitten my tongue and held back on more than one occasion, in the knowledge that I can safely vent my feelings here. I can let off steam here when things are going badly, and there are essentially no real consequences - no fed up partner, no disgruntled workmates, no reputation as a depressing whinger in the "real world" (a reputation as a depressing whinger on the net doesn't have the same sting!). Just largely sympathetic friends. Anyone who gets fed up with listening to my whining can just click on to someone more interesting.

Secondly, and increasingly importantly, I get a sense of community here. Some of the people I now feel close to - well, I don't actually know their names. I don't know what they look like. I'm hazy on exactly what they do professionally. In that sense, I don't know them at all. And yet, I know a surprising amount about their marriages, their children, their feelings, and how they feel about their lives. I feel like I know them, even though I don't actually know much about them. And they are people who are well worth getting to know.

But I think, most of all, blogging is leading me to pay attention to my own life in a way that I haven't before. Because I need to find something to blog about, I notice my life more. I record important moments, moments that I want to remember later, and I ask myself what they mean. I think the issues through more systematically. Until I started blogging, to be honest, I found my own life kind of boring. I thought I needed a hobby or something external to make it more interesting. It would never have occurred to me that paying more attention to my life would make it more interesting to me. And it would certainly never have occured to me that other people might find my life interesting enough to have opinions on it.

Because of blogging, I really notice my own emotions a lot more and feel them more strongly. Readers of this blog might be surprised to learn that in "real life" I can be a little repressed emotionally - very work oriented and stiff upper lip. People have told me sometimes that they find me a very loyal friend, very cool under pressure and reliable in a crisis, but a little unemotional, analytical to the point of seeming a little callous. I think growing up in a disturbing family can have that effect. People with backgrounds like me - we value stability, order, control. The alternative feels too much like a return to a childhood we were anxious to escape.

And paying attention to my emotions makes me view them a little differently - less as a threat, and more as a kind of signal that I need to listen to. I start to feel pretty silly, blogging repeatedly about the same old issues, if I'm not doing anything about those issues. Blogging is making me ask myself if this is how I want to be.

I have made some changes to my life that I do not think would have happened if I wasn't blogging. I think, without this blog, I wouldn't have implemented my resolutions - and then I wouldn't be enjoying the benefits of my improved diet and fitness or managed to save some money while still paying down old debt. I wouldn't have experienced a somewhat improved sex life. And I do not think I would be enjoying my go slow, either.

So, I have decided to keep blogging - at least for now.

100 posts. I wonder how many more there will be?