Lock Up Your Fathers

I have a weakness for older men. Not, you know, old enough to be my grandfather old, but certainly up to and including old enough to be my father old. When I ws single, one of my friends used to say, "Lock up your fathers, Emily's coming through!"

And of course I know that, in some respects, this weakness should have a huge signpost on it:

CAUTION: UNEXPLODED DADDY ISSUES.

At the same time, there are just certain qualities that I find attractive in a man that are mainly, although not exclusively, found in older men:

Self-knowledge: I like intimacy. I like to know what is going on with my man - his feelings, his thoughts, his view of the world.

A younger man tends to be much more outward-focused. He is oriented towards thrusting himself out into the world, into his career, into his interests. But as a man gets older, he usually has more capacity for self-reflection. He is more likely to have learned a few things, including about himself.

I found dating younger men a bit puzzling. Sometimes they seemed to have very little inner life or understanding of themselves. It is hard for a man to share himself with you, and especially to resolve any conflicts, if he doesn't really know himself and what he wants, yet.

Experience: An older man usually has a wider view of the world. He is more patient, with himself and with others. He accepts that life is messier and more contradictory than we want it to be. And this is mainly because of his greater experience of life.

An older man's opinions are usually grounded at least in part in his own experiences, and so they are more authentically his own. A younger man may well have opinions, but they are mostly from books or the internet. He hasn't made them his own, yet.

And yes, experience includes experience of women. I think it takes most of us some time to understand the opposite sex better. To appreciate the differences in perspective and learn to work with them, or around them, rather than just being annoyed by them. An older man, I find, appreciates a woman more.

And this applies to sex as well. I do not underrate qualities such as the usually greater physical beauty, energy and enthusiasm of the younger man. But a younger man, in that context, is generally thinking mostly about himself. He is usually thoughtful enough to at least try to get you off, but is often hampered by some quite unrealistic ideas about female sexuality. An older man has more experience with just how individual women are sexually, and has the patience to figure out your particular likes and dislikes. In addition, he tends to be a stayer rather than a sprinter, which is definitely an advantage in satisfying a woman.

Confidence: An older man, I find, is usually more confident. He has fought a few batttles and won, and so is less easily intimidated than a younger man. He knows his strengths as well as his limitations.

I do not mind some shyness or insecurity in a man. It is more that a less confident man tends to be intimidated by a woman like me. He is more comfortable with a woman who looks up to him because she is just a little bit dumber, a little bit less educated, a little bit less confident than himself. Or, worse - much worse - he is attracted to me because he is a weaker personality who enjoys being bossed around by a woman. I am never attracted to these men. To me, equality is a turn-on.

An older man is more likely to enjoy the challenge of a woman like me. He appreciates a conversation with a women who has her own thoughts and opinions. He has usually laboured wearily to figure out what a less direct woman wants from him, and finds clear communication from a confident woman who knows what she wants kind of a relief.

Wisdom: An older man has just had more time to learn some wisdom. This is partly because he has usually known at least some suffering and failure. He has had some experiences that have refined his character. He is more likely to have learned how to make a woman happy, precisely because he has usually made at least one other woman unhappy.

An older man knows that he is looking for something more than a woman who is just sexy and fun, although he is usually looking for that, too. He has learned that life can be very tough, and wants a woman who has his back and can fight his corner.

An older man knows that life is finite. He knows that we should love each other now, as well as we can, because time is fleeting.

So, these are some of the reason why I am attracted to older men. I am rarely attracted to anyone under the age of about 35 and am quite open to being attracted to men much older, well into their sixties.

Fortunately, this leaves me with a pretty wide scope. Because the sad fact is that I am hardly ever seriously attracted to anyone. I would be lucky to meet someone that I could truly love and desire once every few years.

Because I'm fussy.