Monday, January 01, 2007

Something Happened

My Big Dude's health goes in cycles. Sometimes he feels much better, maybe 70% of normal, and sometimes he feels terrible, more like 20% of normal or even less - percentages referring mainly to physical energy and levels of pain but also to mood and ability to have something like a normal life.

At the top of the cyle, he is still not like a well person but he is able, if he conserves his energies and prioritises well, to do little things like go for a walk or go bowling, and feel a bit perkier and able to plan and enjoy his life. He also has some energy for activities like intimate conversation and sex. At the bottom of the cycle, he is just plain sick, able to do only the minimum to look after a toddler and spending the rest of the time hanging around on the sofa feeling utterly shitty and bored and useless.

Unfortunately, he reliably hits the bottom of the cycle over December - January every year. I'm not totally sure why, but it happens every year.

Which means that, this time of year, my life generally sucks. I have to put in a lot of physical and emotional energy to look after him and keep his spirits up. And I get very litle from the Big Dude in return. He just doesn't have the energy for much intimacy, either physical or emotional. He really is only just coping.

So I always get a bit miserable myself, this time of year. And I have been - sad and irritable and generally fed up. And I am worse than usual because, for some reason, my current spiritual crisis adds that element of despair that I usually manage to avoid.

Anyway, I had a particularly bad day a few days ago. Just so over it all. Really wondering if I can go on doing this year after year. Feeling hopeless and sad and so lonely. Wondering if our whole relationship is the worst mistake of my life. I escaped for a while to sit on the steps outside while the laundry was going.

And I prayed. I am not always sure if I believe in God or not, but I asked the God I'm not sure if I believe in for help:

Please, help me.

And something happened.

A warm, subtle, infinitely gentle breeze blew lightly against my face. And I don't know why, but I felt that God was there, listening.

I haven't felt like that for a long time. I sat there for a few minutes, allowing that breeze to comfort me.

Then it went away and I got up and went on with my day.

Was that God? I don't know. I wouldn't want to outline that as proof of God's existence in any philosophical forum.

Perhaps it was only the wind.


Blogger Fiona said...

Emily, while I'm definitely not a 'big G' god kind of person, I do believe that there is so much we don't understand, so many energies surrounding us.

Whatever it was, some higher power, or nature touching your face, it brought you what you needed, and that's all that matters.

Big hugs. Love can feel so over-stretched at times and that's when we dig the deepest. You dug, you found, you felt peace again, no matter the source.

7:30 PM  
Blogger oldbear said...

Sweet Emmmy, I am saying this as both your fan/supporter and a man who watched his dad deal with this kind of SHIT as his beloved wife slowly died in front of him.

The pains, doubt, frustration, and abandonment feelings will always be with you.

maybe we, or someone else (like mummy) can put enough Love and psoitive affirmations in to help offset it, but it will always be.

Dont feel bad if you doubt your self, but the good to see it thru is in you !

sorry it hurts yo so, but you are the best! OB

9:56 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Yeah, maybe it was 'just the wind'. But it came at such a time as to minister just morsel of comfort to your poor, parched soul.

Something about sparrows and the hairs on our heads is coming to my mind. . .

8:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think finding comfort in the middle of tough circumstances whatever the source is a good thing. Take care friend.

9:35 AM  
Blogger Lickety Split said...

I am glad that breeze hit you. You needed it. Interpret as you will.



1:56 PM  
Blogger aphron said...

Prayer works. Praying for strength especially works.

2:18 PM  
Blogger Rob said...

"Perhaps it was only the wind."

Perhaps it was Em, but then again ...

The mind (both yours as well as BD's) can be a very powerful force at times. So to both of you I say, never ever give up hope and optimism for better things to come.

4:44 PM  
Anonymous Cat said...

I don't know maybe it was the wind but I always feel like we spend most of our time unaware. Maybe it is during tough times that we are more aware of God and are more likely to sense his presence. But lord knows I am no expert on such things.

I am glad you found the strength you needed.

10:36 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

And who made the wind?

I've found that prayers at key moments for strength, courage, or wisdom seem to come just in time for me to have some strength, courage, or wisdom. But who knows, it might just be a coincidence. :-)

11:25 AM  
Blogger hasarder said...

I know this is a late comment, but I'm catching up on what I've missed and felt compelled to say something.

There could well be a reason why Big Dude gets worse around this time. Obviously I don't know what it is. But I know an awful lot of vets get very down every year at the same time. For some it's ANZAC day, for some it's Long Tan day. But for most it happens around the anniversary of some particular incident or time during their service when things were very bad, or they lost a lot of mates all in one go.

Of course, that may not be the case here. But it might be worth asking - gently, of course.

Good luck.

6:41 AM  

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