Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Baby's Got Back II

I am still lying around on the floor. And this episode is reminding me of too many things.

When I've told people in the past that I've got a bad back, I've said, "It was terrible in the beginning. But I finally got really great treatment and now I can manage it - if I'm careful, and make sure I keep up moderate exercise and massages." And that has been true.

But it's only now that I'm lying here that I am remembering just how terrible it was in the beginning. The pain. Immediately after the first injury, most of it was referred into my chest and I thought I was having a heart attack. It wasn't until two years later, when the other injuries had healed up, that it was finally diagnosed as primarily a back problem.

The months, and I mean months, on the floor. It hurt to breathe. A walk down the road to catch the bus to university, attend classes, sit and talk with people - that was all out of my reach.

The weight I gained. I had been a person who could eat a lot because she exercised a lot. Then I couldn't exercise at all. The weight crept on, about a kilo every two to three months. It turned me into a person I hardly recognised. My face grew large and round like someone had pumped it up with a bicycle pump. And I'm just not going to say anything about my arse.

The sense that life was going by. Just going by, while I lay around on the floor.

I had semi-forgotten all this. It's more than ten years ago now. But now I remember.

And I'm frightened. My back is not getting better as quickly as I hoped. I have been off work. My boss says they are so busy that I'm better off staying away on sick leave if I'm not up to a normal workload, which I'm not. The Big Dude is having to do more than he can really manage long-term. My mum has been helping, but she has to have an operation next week. My Little Dude can't figure out why mummy is always on the floor and can't play with him. I'm worried that my doctor is not taking this problem seriously enough.

A bad back. It sounds so generic, right? Everyone's got one.

But if you are normally the only able-bodied person in the house, and you are out of action for more than two weeks, that is not a problem - it's a crisis.

You know all those balls I normally keep in the air? That frantic juggling act I maintain? Those balls are starting to drop.

And now I am frightened that I am going back to the beginning.

13 Comments:

Blogger Tajalude said...

Oh, dear Emily!! I hate to hear that. You have my best wishes at a speedy recovery, or at least an acknowledgement from your doctor that your problem is serious. Women seem to have problems being taken seriously by their doctors, or at least that's been my experience. Be persistant!

6:37 AM  
Blogger Finished Last said...

I can understand why you are scared. I will promise to keep you in my prayers Emily. I am sorry you are hurting.

7:50 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Emily, I'm so sorry to come here and see this is still going on for you...and how scary to think that a doctor isn't taking it seriously! You'll be in prayers...

11:43 AM  
Blogger uhavegot2bkidn said...

Awful, awful, awful...dodge those balls falling as best you can!

12:47 PM  
Blogger oldbear said...

As a person who has been turned into "worthless" several times by various ailments, I totally empahtize.

One thing Em, the "stuff" will all get done, all of it that is necessary. Pretty PLEASE dont try to achieve the usual excellence right now.

Get well, and hugs to you!

4:58 PM  
Blogger Brown Eyed Chap said...

Hi Emily, it all sounds really crap.

Here's wishing you a speedy recovery, just take it easy ya hear!

:-)

2:04 AM  
Blogger Satan said...

Take yourself seriously and do your own research about your back problems. I've found doctors 'wake up' a bit when their patient wants to take a more active role in their recovery.

I know it's hard not to stress, but try anyway. Sending you loads of good thoughts and positive vibes.

4:39 AM  
Blogger flutterby said...

Emily,

I hope your recovery moves along steadily and that you get the help you need, both medically and at home.

Best wishes and prayers.

9:11 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

This is where bloggity friendships fall short. I wish I could come over and help out.

1:59 PM  
Blogger hasarder said...

I'm with FTN - if I knew you IRL I'd be round there like a shot to help you out.

I wish I could offer you some useful advice, but I can't. 'Bad back' is such a generic term, and what you can do about it depends on exactly what's wrong.

It is hard to be patient when you see things falling apart around you. But you managed your back before, so in time you will manage it again. Until then, I hope you get the help you need.

I'll chuck a prayer and some best wishes onto the pile here too.

7:21 PM  
Blogger XI Summit said...

I've been there (well not there, just there) on the floor backed-out a few times, sorry you have to go through that. Any clue as to whether it's muscular or spine-related?

I can relate to the Doc not taking it seriously, I changed Docs years ago because my long-time Doc thought I was maybe exaggerating the pain. Fight for what you need.

7:40 AM  
Blogger Cat said...

I know I am just repeating what everyone else has said and 2 days late but...I am really sorry to hear you are still in pain. And I hope your back starts to feel better soon.

1:24 PM  
Blogger Fusion said...

And I'm three days late Emily, but send my wishes for a speedy recovery too. Hope the pain is gone soon.

10:38 PM  

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