Assessment

I have been thinking about this year and what I have achieved.

My main aim this last year was to get pregnant and also try to limit the financial damage of the process. Needless to say, I am not pregnant. We just saw our specialist and have a lot of testing to do to find out why. More delay, more waiting, more life in suspended animation. We have managed to actually pay for the cycles, which is an achievement in itself, but I have mentally consigned our finances to oblivion.

Sometimes, I wonder if I actually want a child this much. There is no doubt in my mind that what I went through to have our Little Dude was worth it. But about a second child, I am less sure. A second child is more joy. But a second child is also more of the unending work of being a mother. I dread it (almost?) as much as I hope for it.

I also started a new job in a very new field. I have made a decent success of it. I was very competent in my old field and much less sure of this one. I really feared humiliation and failure. I'm glad to finish the year knowing that I have done well.

But the truth is, I don't have a great sense of passion and purpose about this job. It's the only job I have picked solely as a career move. For the actual content, the meaning of the job, I feel very little. My work is interesting and enjoyable, but something is missing.

I started the year with a serious intention to join my church as a real community. I must honestly admit that this has not gone as I hoped. I go most weeks. I've volunteered for the cooking. I like the people, they seem to like me, but I still feel that I hardly know anyone. What I want is a sense of seeking God, knowing God, but also truly knowing other people, and the fact is that I don't have it. I would like to think that this is because of the church, but it's quite possible that this is because of me - because of my natural reserve, a suspicion that they might not approve of me, a reluctance to truly join.

One great success has been having my mother move in and build a flat in our backyard. I left home at eighteen and was worried about what it would all mean to have my mother so close. Would she and the Big Dude get along? Would she try to interfere in our relationship? Would we all commit our money, our time, our finances, and have to confess a big mistake? To my relief, the answer to that is no. It's really been a great success. We get along very well, we all maintain our privacy, but we also support each other. Perhaps only another mother of a young child will understand what it means to be able to send my Little Dude over to his grandma for an hour or two and just have that little bit of time to myself.

One other success is that I really have succeeded in addressing my health, my fitness and weight. Fertility cycles are a major challenge to all those things, with weight gain and other problems a standard side-effect. But I have managed to lose around 10kgs (a little over 20 pounds) in the past few months and more over the past two years. I am finally lighter than I was before I had my baby. More importantly, I am fitter and stronger than I have been for a long time. I feel younger, not so weighed down. I am really proud and pleased about the results of the effort I have put in.

All in all, a decent year. Not much fun to do, but at least I feel like I accomplished something.

But one of these days, I will ask myself seriously why I don't enjoy my life more. Why does it seem so...flat?