IVF Cycle 2: I'm Okay

I had a realization today, standing at the bus stop: I'm okay.

This happened last time, too. There were a few hours when it didn't feel too bad. That was because I hadn't really taken in the news, yet. Then a feeling of despair and disgust that I could put body and soul through so much and come out with nothing.

The little embryos were not really babies yet. It's not like having a miscarriage. I guess some would say it's more like a project gone wrong than anything else. But they were potential babies. They were almost babies, almost our children, almost my son's brother or sister. If they'd implanted, that's what they would have been. They are a huge loss and I mourn them.

But today, I was walking along to the bus stop, heading off for my swim. Spring has only just arrived in Canberra. The bush outside our house was green, the little yellow daisies I love were scattered through the grass, the sun shone on my face, and I felt the beginnings of a kind of sprightliness and energy returning to my body as the effect of all the IVF drugs wears off. And I suddenly thought, I'm okay. Surprisingly, I am okay.

I'm not old enough to give up, yet. I'm healthy. I can try again. And meanwhile, I am alive and my life suddenly seems precious to me.