Wednesday, August 27, 2008

IVF Cycle 2: Shocker

I went into my clinic today to get the early results of the stimulation drugs.

I seem to be what is known as a "low responder". The point of IVF is to get a decent number of follicles as not every follicle contains an egg and not every egg fertilises. Other women I know can get around 20 follicles or more on the same doseage of the stimulation drugs as me.

My first IVF cycle, when I got pregnant, I got nine follicles and only two eggs, which is a very low response and I was extremely lucky to get pregnant. Last cycle, I got four follicles initially, which went down to two, and the cycle was nearly cancelled. No miracle pregnancy that time.

It's been a worry to me because we are only allowed three tries with our original donor and we are already one down.

My specialist prefers a cautious approach to the drugs, which can have some pretty bad side effects, but he agreed to raise my doseage of stimulation drugs from 150 to 200, which is just a little above average dose. I tried to argue him up even higher, but he wouldn't agree.

Despite my fears, I have been feeling positive and was optimistic that we would get a good result this morning, but it was a shocker.

My response was so low that it took them ages and two ultrasound nurses to even find any response at all. I can't tell you how humiliating it is to lie there with a camera up your clacker while nurses dig around for what seems like forever until they finally find two tiny follicles.

It was devastating. I hate to cry, but I had to go hide in the bathroom and sit there weeping and hyperventilating. Then I cried in the clinic, all the way back on the bus (extra humiliation of concerned strangers) and tears are starting even now, three hours later.

I had almost forgotten how much I hate this. What a horrible, miserable experience it is to feel like such a failure.

And now I have to go off to work and pretend everything is fine.


Blogger Fusion said...

I hate that you feel like a failure Emily. For something you have no control over. I know you know that, but I also know it doesn't mean a whole lot to you right now. Try to remember the good things you have right now, and let that carry you through the hard times. Don't give up, but don't blame yourself either.

10:52 PM  
Blogger Tajalude said...

Hugs, Emily. I'm so sorry.

6:01 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Aw, I'm so sorry. That sounds miserable.

6:31 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Hugs, lots of them-

And I'll echo fusion, as hard as it is to remember, you're not to blame, it's not something you have any choice in.

Lots of prayers and hopeful thoughts, and some more hugs for you-

5:10 PM  
Blogger Fiona said...

Hugs Emily, lots of them. It's such a damned hard process. I take my hat off to anyone who goes down this road, few understand the grief and sense of personal failure, that comes with it.

Keep strong.


8:26 PM  

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