IVF Cycle 2: Shocker

I went into my clinic today to get the early results of the stimulation drugs.

I seem to be what is known as a "low responder". The point of IVF is to get a decent number of follicles as not every follicle contains an egg and not every egg fertilises. Other women I know can get around 20 follicles or more on the same doseage of the stimulation drugs as me.

My first IVF cycle, when I got pregnant, I got nine follicles and only two eggs, which is a very low response and I was extremely lucky to get pregnant. Last cycle, I got four follicles initially, which went down to two, and the cycle was nearly cancelled. No miracle pregnancy that time.

It's been a worry to me because we are only allowed three tries with our original donor and we are already one down.

My specialist prefers a cautious approach to the drugs, which can have some pretty bad side effects, but he agreed to raise my doseage of stimulation drugs from 150 to 200, which is just a little above average dose. I tried to argue him up even higher, but he wouldn't agree.

Despite my fears, I have been feeling positive and was optimistic that we would get a good result this morning, but it was a shocker.

My response was so low that it took them ages and two ultrasound nurses to even find any response at all. I can't tell you how humiliating it is to lie there with a camera up your clacker while nurses dig around for what seems like forever until they finally find two tiny follicles.

It was devastating. I hate to cry, but I had to go hide in the bathroom and sit there weeping and hyperventilating. Then I cried in the clinic, all the way back on the bus (extra humiliation of concerned strangers) and tears are starting even now, three hours later.

I had almost forgotten how much I hate this. What a horrible, miserable experience it is to feel like such a failure.

And now I have to go off to work and pretend everything is fine.