Tuesday, April 06, 2010

IVF6: Dark and Repulsive

Well, that sucks.

I didn't have a good feeling when I woke up from pick-up. When I asked what I got, the nurse looked at the sheet and then said the surgeon would need to tell me. When he did, he said they only got the one egg. One of the follicles was empty and the other located in a place that it would have been too dangerous to get to.

But I had a wierd feeling no one was quite looking at me.

Now I know why. Normally, you have to wait a whole day for a fertilisation report. The clinic rang two hours after I got home to say the egg was "unfertilisable".

I rang the embryologist this morning. She said that as soon as she saw it, she could see it was "dark and repulsive" and just not right. When they stripped it back to see what was wrong, it just disintegrated.

I guess I'm lucky it disintegrated, rather than creating a repulsive embryo that might have become a repulsive-looking kid with repulsive things wrong with it.

Yes, I know I'm wrong to dwell on the use of that word. That embryologist is a woman I like very much who has no gift for tact.

But hey, I'm feeling a little dark and repulsive myself.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

IVF 6: Living Life Forwards

Actually, I can't believe I am doing this again.

As you all know, I grieved. I took my experiences so much to heart that I couldn't seem to get over it. Too many losses, one after another - not to mention the unwelcome news that apparently I am getting old.

I waited and waited for an intuitive feeling about whether I should be doing this or not, and it never came. With days to go, even after signing the papers, I still didn't know what I should do.

I've grieved so hard in the past few months that, in some ways, it should have marked the end. The worst is hopefully over and I should be getting on with my life. I'm frightened of plunging myself even further into that kind of grief.

My optimism is not high. I've decided that this IVF cycle will have to be the last one. Aside from anything else, once this one is done, I will be officially broke. Whatever the outcome, I will have to accept it.

But I never want to feel that I didn't do the absolute best I could do.

So I am gritting my teeth and doing this one. A couple of days ago, I refused a high profile job so I would be free to give this cycle the best chance possible.

I lay down for the ultrasound yesterday after a dream the night before that all my eggs had shrivelled. But to my surprise and pleasure, I have two pretty good sized eggs and one other possible, and hormone levels good enough for the clinic to schedule the pickup.

It's entirely possible that I will emerge from this decision with only debt to show for it and a horrible feeling of having made a terrible mistake in plunging myself back into this sucky existence. But at least I will have tried.

I will never know if I have made the right decision. Kierkegaard said, "Life can only be understood backwards, but it has to be lived forwards". So here I am, living life forwards. Trying to create the life I want for myself, my family, and this child I have in my heart and mind.