Monday, August 28, 2006


We had a huge fight last night. He "forgot" our date for earlier this weekend, and asked to reschedule for last night. Then he "forgot" last night.

And I just exploded. And I mean, really exploded. To the point that breaking up was one of the options we seriously discussed afterwards. Despite our love for each other, despite our love for our son, at one point, I really just wanted him to say yes, let's end this now.

And I know that I shouldn't have overreacted in that way, but I had really had some hopes that we had a path forward on this issue. I had got my hopes up. Again. I had trusted him. Again. And he just crushed my hope and trust. Again.

And he said he couldn't figure out why I would react in this way. He said he had never committed to earlier this weekend and his forgetting last night was just a trivial thing. He kept trying to describe in detail what he thought had actually happened on both occasions, and he was completely focused on "proving" that he had done nothing wrong. He implied heavily that I had somehow made up that earlier commitment and that me being upset was due to being neurotic.

You know, I really resent being treated like a crazy person just because I am upset about the fact that he has "forgotten" to have sex with his partner for around a decade now.

And I really just don't understand how a person who is generally very intelligent and quite smart about people, and women in particular, can so comprehensively fail to apply those qualities to this aspect of our lives.

I really don't understand how he can just keep turning our sex life into what seems like one long saga of frustration and humiliation and then expect me not to react.

And, you know, for some reason I keep brooding on this one incident that I think was really the worst of my long line of humiliations.

I was more than nine months pregnant and overdue for the birth of our baby. As you may know, sexual activities of many kinds can help bring on labour. And I was not only utterly fed up with being pregnant, but more than willing to have sex with him anyway, as I pretty much always am.

Some men would give their left testicle for a woman who was willing to have sex with them in late pregnancy.

We were advised to try nipple stimulation, as the flood of hormones this creates can also help bring on labour. So I went into our bedroom, hoping against hope that this would have some kind of erotic effect that would help, or at least that he would be sensitive about this "task" as I was feeling quite hormonal and vulnerable.

And he twiddled my nipples like they were dials. And he kept looking at his watch.

And the next time we tried, he asked if we could do it in front of the TV.

And he couldn't figure out why I ran out of the room, crying.

It feels like one of us is either stupid or crazy, and the honest truth is that I don't know which of us that is.


Blogger trueself said...

Sometimes your posts hit me right in the gut. This is one of them. My experiences are so similar to yours. In my opinion, you are not crazy, nor are you expecting too much. Believe in yourself.

4:35 AM  
Blogger So Gone Over You said...


Oh, the time we could spend relaying stories like that to each other... sad, isn't it?

Anyways, I'm really sorry about the entire situation because I know those exact feelings. And really, you didn't overreact - we are talking years and years of pent up frustration, resentment and anger coming out. And the whole making you feel crazy about this - that's just wrong, and My Ex used to do the same thing. How is it crazy to want to share the one thing that separates your relationship from all others together? That's not crazy at all.

5:22 AM  
Blogger freebird said...

Looking at his watch?! In front of the tv?! That's awful.
If it feels that one of you is either stupid or crazy, well, it certainly isn't you.
And yes, these rejections and humiliations do stick in the mind - you're not alone.

11:12 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I think you'll find a lot of understanding, empathy, and similar stories here in this corner of blogland. What you won't necessarily find is answers. Because as a man, it baffles me that someone would act that way.

Being stood up on a scheduled "sex night" is especially frustrating when that partner or spouse tries to argue that they never really "committed" to anything. I think my situation has gotten better somewhat (or else I've just compromised more over the years), but I too have bad memories like that.

Well, except for being pregnant. You know, since I'm a guy and all.

12:18 PM  
Blogger oblivion said...

God, I understand where you're coming from. I was overdue with both my kids. I BEGGED my hubby to have sex with me (hoping that would get labor kick started). I'm talking BEGGED!!!! Nope ... didn't wanna do it. I think he said "I'm not having sex with you." I dunno I pretty much have forgotten that part of my life.

((((((((HUGS))))))))))) You're not along and sometimes that is what gets us through to the next day.


8:08 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

Oh, God, maybe we should all just write down our most depressing experiences and sell a book called "Bad sex: Exercises in Humiliation". It would make an excellent wedding gift. I can just see it flying off the shelves!

4:54 PM  

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