Getting Out

Getting out of a developing funk, I mean. A funk that was not exactly about google searches and this blog, but about feeling overwhelmed by sickness and all it brings - sadness, frustration, depression, money problems, spiritual anguish, and too much responsibility and too little sex.

And reading an article that says that 85 per cent of relationships in which one partner becomes chronically ill ultimately crack under the strain. Even though reading it depressed me, I love that article. It shows that at least one person out there knows what my life is like. How overwhelming it can be to have to do the work of two people - earning the living and running the household - and also the work of a nurse. How draining it can be. How overburdened the relationship becomes. How it can just suck the joy right out of you.

I'm not sure how I feel about that 85 per cent figure. Statistically, does it mean that my little family has approximately a 15 per cent chance of staying together? And I have to assume that at least some of those couples didn't have the additional issues we have, like post traumatic stress disorder and infertility. Should seeing that figure increase my determination that that won't happen to us, or should it make me realize that neither of us are saints and that even my best efforts may well fail? At the moment, it does both.

But, back to my funk. I seem to have dragged myself out of it by:

• Sitting with the pain of all the things the Big Dude and I are missing for a while, and having a good cry

• Masturbating to take the edge off the sexual frustration (no offence to FTN and others but, from my perspective, thank God for masturbation!)

• Sitting in the sun in a very pleasant cafe, reading Bill Bryson's new book, which made me laugh

• Reading peoples' comments on my blog entry, and especially Dewdrop's comments here and here, which also made me laugh ( I don't know why other people complaining always cheers me up, but it does!)

• Buying the Big Dude some particularly ripe, juicy mangoes (a treat he loves), holding him close and telling him how much I love him

• The Big Dude telling me how much he loves me and thanking me for being so gorgeous - yay!

• Playing tickle chasy with the Little Dude

• Recognising that I am living with the pain and the joy of love.