Marital Duties
After a long cuddle last night, the Big Dude said "Tomorrow night, after Grey's Anatomy, I'm planning to perform my marital duties".
I wasn't sure how I felt about that sentence. I was a little sad about the duty part. I was slightly miffed that he couldn't be a bit less blunt about our arrangement (typical bloody tactless Sagittarius). But I was also happy because, for the third time in a row, he was initiating some naked time together without any prompting from me. It was a miracle!
Once upon a time, this wouldn't have been good enough. I would have demanded that he want me, rather than love me and do what he can to please me and make me happy. I would have refused indignantly and made my stand for passion and romance.
And I would have got no passion, no romance, and no sex, either. I would have assumed that, if he didn't want me, he didn't really love me, anyway, and our relationship was a lie. I would have run away to howl at the moon in my humiliation and distress. We would both have tumbled into feelings of depression and inadequacy
But last night? Last night, I decided that, if my feelings were mixed, I was going to decide to dwell on the good ones. I was going to decide to be happy about it.
Plus, you know, Grey's Anatomy followed by tofu burger. I've spent worse evenings.
So I said, "That act of consideration would be very much appreciated."
And now I have something to look forward to!
posted by Emily at 10/29/2006 04:07:00 PM
11 Comments:
Being another 'typical bloody tactless Sagittarius', I'd have told him where to shove his marital duties! ;)
Me too, another Sagittarius, but 'marital duties' did sound a bit like taking out the trash! Mouth and brain was not engaged.
"I'm planning to perform my marital duties"
Hopefully he didn't mean that as a mercy u-no-what. I think he could have been a tad more (as lephare2 so aptly puts it) "mouth and brain engaged"!
Good for you for taking the high road, and giving the benefit of the doubt.
May I suggest that another time when sex is not the topic at hand you address with him the emotions that the particular turn of phrase aroused in you? I think it's best not to bring these things up at the moment because it is too likely to result in hurt feelings and probably the rescision of the offer. However, if you approach it at another time you might have better luck in making the point without it seeming too pointed.
Of course, I only give advice because I have my own life so well in control. hahahahahahahahaha!!!
Well, if we're talking "duties", I bet that Emily can come up with a lovely "Honey-do" list for him.
************
Hey, Emily...
Thanks for your last comment. I'm taking a step in a less well-adjusted direction. Come see me!
Oh my that sounded terrible....I'm trying to see it from all sides.
Perhaps to him, his own issues cloud how he expresses himself sometimes. And that what was said that way, wasn't meant that way? Maybe he loves having this 'duty'. (Message to BD, work on your vocabulary!!)
I was with someone once (well more than once *L* we had a 2-year relationship) and it felt like a 'duty' with him too. It was just so damn 'routine', he had no sense of fun or even variety of technique. And when I tried to introduce it, he jumped out of bed *L*.
I think you should have tofu burger when you're expecting something else...and the spontaneity would be a joy in itself :)
I've made this point elsewhere before, but 'duty' and 'love' are not mutually exclusive concepts. In fact, we typically take on duties precisely because of love. And I applaud you for beginning to recognize that, and seeing the love that lies behind the 'duty' (and I'm guessing that, among his 'duties', the marital one he has to you is among the most pleasant. . .)
And, I can't help asking O just where, exactly she'd like to have the 'marital duties' shoved? ;)
I guess I saw it as his trying to inject some humor into the situation, but without having been there, one can't say.
I guess if it would have been me, I'd have combined it with another notion for a better effect, as in "Get the trapeze out baby, I'm figuring on performing my marital duties tomorrow night."
Speaking as a fellow dumb tactless man, he may have just been trying to be clever rather than expressing his real feelings about the matter. I know I have put my foot well into my mouth more than once in my vain attempts to be witty and charming. Just a thought.
Impressive that you were able to keep calm and take the positive aspects of it. I'd echo Trueself -- you may want to mention to him that you weren't thrilled with his choice of words, but just wait for another time to mention it.
I have been trying to get that man to engage mouth and brain at the same time for 13 years now, without success.
I mostly love his sense of humour, but he has a way of refusing to talk about his real feelings on certain topics, and then saying stuff that is way too close to the bone and phrasing them as a joke, and then being surprised when people get upset with him.
Most of the time I don't mind because I am used to it, but its not very helpful in this context, as you can see from the posts above.
The thing is, this whole topic is tricky. There are a lot of feelings involved. There is a long history of mutual hurt feelings that we have to get over in order to keep trying. So this is the one context where he really does need to connect brain and mouth and exercise some restraint.
Now, if he'd added LBP's line about the trapeze, I would probably have felt very differently :-)
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