Yes! Oh, Thank God, Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Thank Christ for that! Really, I thought I was going to explode with frustration, and instead I got to explode in an entirely different way.

You know, it is wierd how quickly I have adjusted to this tofu burger thing. Especially when you consider that it basically represents a massive defeat of my fondest wishes and desires. I spent more than a decade trying to generate desire on his part and mutual passion between us. I really longed for it with my whole being and tried very hard.

So many creative attempts to prompt genuine desire in him. So much pain. So many anguished conversations between us. All, not exactly a waste, but unsuccessful, anway.

Apparently, you can flog a dead horse as hard as you like - it still isn't going to get up and run the derby.

And now, this open acknowledgement between us that I have needs that require attention on his part, even if it is not a strictly mutual experience, is bothering me so much less than I would have expected.

Do I still wish things were different? Oh, yes.

But am I devastated by the shift towards a "servicing" mentality on his part? Nope. I am even kind of enjoying just being a selfish pig and focusing on the feelings in my own body rather than thinking so much about him. The orgasms are incredible. And I greet his announcement that he wants us to return to regular scheduling with profound appreciation.

Oh, I must be a bad person, to care so little. I ought to be ashamed of myself. But, in fact, I am feeling pretty darn happy.

I am normally quite good at making myself feel guilty about lack of consideration for others. But summoning up some guilt about something that involves such high quality oral sex is proving more difficult that I would have predicted.

Also, it is making me wierdly uninhibited. For instance, I have always felt way too self-conscious to touch myself during sex. Not any more! Hahahaha, just taking my own pleasure and not giving a damn!

To tell you the truth, my strongest overall feeling about the whole thing is relief.

And I am not the only one. The feeling between us was good, good, good and we laughed a lot. Actually, I feel as good about the laughing as I do about the orgasms. The Big Dude looks happy today, too, as if he has discovered that life without constant feelings of guilt and inadequacy can be a very pleasant experience.

My other major feeling is gratitude to Oldbear, whose practical suggestion prompted us down this path. I will probably never meet Oldbear or even find out who he really is, and yet he has done the Big Dude and I a kindness that I will always remember.

And my title and the reference to Christ are not intended to be blasphemous. I am amused to find that I am having a distinct urge to sing an old Sunday school song:

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy
Down in my heart (and other places)
Down in my heart to stay! (or at least for now)