Saturday, October 14, 2006

Yes! Oh, Thank God, Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Thank Christ for that! Really, I thought I was going to explode with frustration, and instead I got to explode in an entirely different way.

You know, it is wierd how quickly I have adjusted to this tofu burger thing. Especially when you consider that it basically represents a massive defeat of my fondest wishes and desires. I spent more than a decade trying to generate desire on his part and mutual passion between us. I really longed for it with my whole being and tried very hard.

So many creative attempts to prompt genuine desire in him. So much pain. So many anguished conversations between us. All, not exactly a waste, but unsuccessful, anway.

Apparently, you can flog a dead horse as hard as you like - it still isn't going to get up and run the derby.

And now, this open acknowledgement between us that I have needs that require attention on his part, even if it is not a strictly mutual experience, is bothering me so much less than I would have expected.

Do I still wish things were different? Oh, yes.

But am I devastated by the shift towards a "servicing" mentality on his part? Nope. I am even kind of enjoying just being a selfish pig and focusing on the feelings in my own body rather than thinking so much about him. The orgasms are incredible. And I greet his announcement that he wants us to return to regular scheduling with profound appreciation.

Oh, I must be a bad person, to care so little. I ought to be ashamed of myself. But, in fact, I am feeling pretty darn happy.

I am normally quite good at making myself feel guilty about lack of consideration for others. But summoning up some guilt about something that involves such high quality oral sex is proving more difficult that I would have predicted.

Also, it is making me wierdly uninhibited. For instance, I have always felt way too self-conscious to touch myself during sex. Not any more! Hahahaha, just taking my own pleasure and not giving a damn!

To tell you the truth, my strongest overall feeling about the whole thing is relief.

And I am not the only one. The feeling between us was good, good, good and we laughed a lot. Actually, I feel as good about the laughing as I do about the orgasms. The Big Dude looks happy today, too, as if he has discovered that life without constant feelings of guilt and inadequacy can be a very pleasant experience.

My other major feeling is gratitude to Oldbear, whose practical suggestion prompted us down this path. I will probably never meet Oldbear or even find out who he really is, and yet he has done the Big Dude and I a kindness that I will always remember.

And my title and the reference to Christ are not intended to be blasphemous. I am amused to find that I am having a distinct urge to sing an old Sunday school song:

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy
Down in my heart (and other places)
Down in my heart to stay! (or at least for now)


Blogger Cat said...

Ah, one of my favorite hyms:) I am happy for you. Life is much too short for guilt. Especially guilt over a great orgasm...

4:57 PM  
Blogger Digger Jones said...

Hmm. So now, finally, you can release your guilt and your self-consciousness and actually ENJOY your orgasms!

I think you're on to something there. I think it really did help that BD actually took the initiative in resuming the service. So is this a regular thing? Something you two can do together fairly often despite his various health issues and limitations?

This is good news, indeed.


6:33 PM  
Blogger oldbear said...

Hi Dear Lady, I am ssooooo HAPPY for you (and both of you)!

Thank you for the kind words too :-).

6:54 PM  
Blogger C-Marie said...

You go Girl!!!

7:46 PM  
Blogger trueself said...

Woohoo! I'm so happy for you!

Why, I do believe I see a smile on your face.


8:05 PM  
Blogger flutterby said...

Em, you *do* realize you just lost a mint on the asking price for your used vajayjay, don't you??


Lucky girl.

I'm happy for you and the Big Dude. And just a little jealous. But mostly happy. :)

8:08 PM  
Blogger Rob said...

Emily, I too am very happy for you. Happy that it was at Big Dude's initiative to "get it on" with you. Happy that you are no longer selfconcious about just enjoying your pleasure anyway that you can. Happy that you now see more hope and optimism in both you and him having found a win-win solution. Happy that you have a partner that wants you to be happy. Would that more of us had such partners as considerate as him in our real lives. Congratulations!

5:34 AM  
Blogger freebird said...

I am so glad that you're feeling good about this.
"I am normally quite good at making myself feel guilty about lack of consideration for others."
To make that shift from 'giver' to 'taker' - ie., comfortable to accept what he is pleased to give - without guilt is surely a major step.
And yes, that 'Old Bear' is quite a guy ;-)

11:17 AM  
Blogger Fiona said...

I'm so happppppppppppppppppppppy for you!!!!

Tis neither giving nor receiving, tis sharing hon.

Way to go Big Dude :)

8:10 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

You know, Emily, romance and passion are nice, but just making the connection is the essential thing.

I'm thinking of a post I made a month or so ago about the love that's inherent in 'duty'. And I think you understand that now. . .

My kids sing that 'joy, joy, joy' song with a cute twist -

. . . "down in my heart"


"down in my heart. I've got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart."


"Down in my heart to stay. . ."

So - WHERE did you say you've got all this joy? ;)

7:25 AM  
Blogger Mu Ling said...

I don't think you're being selfish at all. You're loving your husband as he is, and he's loving you back, as you are. I think you both are being generous and compassionate. Yay you!

9:31 AM  
Blogger Finished Last said...

Good for you and I laughed out loud at the Joy Joy Joy reference. (I don't think that is what my Sunday School teachers had in mind when they taught us that song)

9:51 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I bet that song would sound totally cool if Barry White were singing it.

10:10 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Cat - Definitely agree about life being too short in this respect!

Digger - It was supposed to be a weekly event when it started in August, but it was derailed by us all successively getting the virus from hell, which knocked us around for weeks. The BD is only just getting over it and even I am still coughing.

And yes, I thought it was a particularly hopeful sign that he revived it and wants to continue it. But then, I am always hopeful :-)

Flutterby - That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make!

Desmond - Hahahaha! Wouldn't you like to know! Would you like me to draw you a picture? :-)

All - Thanks for being so pleased for me. It makes me laugh, sometimes, that one of us getting any is cause for celebration for all!

I think it is wonderful that you so easily understand that this is a good thing, and don't make me feel bad about it!

How come we don't seem to get any trolls around here? Am I just too obscure? Good!

12:08 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

ps Digger - Do you think you would feel differently about the handjob option you have mentioned as obtainable from Arwyn if she initiated it? And if, for instance, you were both naked, there was some decent kissing involved, and you touching her was fine?

I am just wondering if you are completely holding out for mutuality, or just not willing to accept something that is just too cold and humiliating?

12:10 PM  
Blogger shattered said...

Hey Emily,

How 'bout I lend you some of my trolls?

Hope you are still smiling!

12:02 AM  

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