Giving Good Oral to a Woman

Okay, this post will be something of a departure, in that I normally don't share the explicit details of anything the Big Dude and I do together. Because, well, I'm shy. Plus, there are nice Christian people who read this blog and I don't want to make them feel they shouldn't stop by.

But I heard something that made me tremble for the sex lives of young men and women today. I heard young women waiting at the bus stop talk about giving guys head as a casual thing, something that pleases the guy and adds to their own popularity, without getting any return on their efforts.

Oh. My. God.

Let's leave aside the question of whether these girls are old enough, mature enough, to be doing anything sexual at all that involves another person (although if they were my daughters, they would be grounded forever). How can it be, in this day and age of female liberation on so many fronts, of sexual information available so freely, that girls are still seeing their sexual role as providing some kind of service to mankind? Their own gratification as so unimportant?

I don't get it.

And, you know, it makes me worry for the young men, too, and their future sex lives. Because, as any smart man knows, knowing how to give good oral to a woman is one of the skills that every man needs to have. As the husband in one of my favourite episodes of the series Roseanne said, "You're going to flunk marriage if you can't pass the oral."

So, its clear that something must be done. That any qualms I might have are outweighed by the urgency of this problem. So, while recognising that every woman has her own specific preferences about this act, here is my advice to any man.

Start slow. And I mean, slow. Start with telling her how beautiful, how desirable, she is. With some tender, passionate kissing of the lips on her face. Touch her gently and yet with intent. Kiss her neck, her shoulders, her arms. Take her fingers and kiss each one. Kiss the palms of her hands. Lightly run your hands over her breasts, her stomach, her thighs. Let your lips follow.

Approach her most sensitive parts a little indirectly. Wait until you hear her gasp when you touch her.

Kiss her on the outside of her pussy, on her pubic hair. Rest your head briefly on her mound, and hug her body as if you are coming home after a long time away. Give a little sigh of satisfaction.

Almost all women have some degree of paranoia about how they smell and taste down there. Do nothing, and I mean nothing, to reinforce this paranoia or you may never be allowed there again. Make it clear that she smells good to you. Breathe her in. Tell her how beautiful her pussy is. Tell her how you have been thinking about tasting her all day. Tell her that she tastes like god. Tell her that if it was possible to pour yourself a cup of her juices, you would drink them down as the elixir of life, and ask for seconds.

Do not go straight for the clitoris. Try a few tentative licks down each side of the clitoris. Try a few more. Slowly get your lips as well as your tongue involved, stroking all around the clitoris, but not touching it yet.

With a soft, flat tongue, gently stroke her clitoris. Stroke it again. Move your tongue and your lips all around the area, just enough to make her wonder if you will ever come back to her clitoris because it feels so good. Let her yearning for you build, and then keep come back to her clitoris.

Give her ample time to warm up. Some women, maybe all women, take time to really get out of their own heads, to stop worrying about whether this is the right thing to do if she is single, to stop flicking through her "things to do" list if she is married and especially if she has children, to shut up the chatter in their heads about whether you are enjoying this, whether she is enjoying this, and focus on their sensations. She may not feel much of anything at first. It takes time. Do not rush her. Do nothing to suggest that you are tired or bored. Do nothing to imply that if she doesn't come in 15 minutes flat, she can forget it.

If what you are doing feels even slightly good to her, do it more. Just about the point where you are wondering if you have done it enough, remember that you are an aspiring sex god and do it more.

Make some good, slurpy, joyful noises, like you are eating the most delicious meal you have ever tasted, and just have to lick the plate and not bother with good table manners. Do not mention any developing ache in your jaw or tongue. Believe me, she doesn't want to know, whatever she says. Women sometimes feel obliged to act "unselfish" and feel that their partners shouldn't have to go to this level of effort for them. Toss any protests along those lines aside like the tired, worn out, sexist crap they really are.

As she warms up, try a few things. Try sucking gently on her clitoris to see if she likes it. Not all women do. Some of us love it. Vibrate your tongue all around the area, and on her clitoris, too, if she is ready. Don't hesitate to get your whole face in there. Do it until she whimpers.

When she starts to move her pelvis, to rock against your mouth, she is really getting into it. She is loving it. Do not stop. Do not think that now is a good time for you to stop and ask her to return the favour, or to put your penis into her vagina. That time is not now. Try putting the tips of your fingers into her vagina, instead, while still using your mouth, and play with the entrance. Do not push your fingers in deep. There are far more nerve endings at the entrance of the vagina than anywhere else - otherwise childbirth would be even more unbearable than it already is.

See if you can find her G spot. Its generally an inch or two in, and at the front wall if she is standing up. Try a few strokes, curling your finger towards yourself as if you were summoning someone to come over to you. And don't stop with the mouth action.

Sometimes if this is working well, it works almost too well. The pleasure can be so overwhelming, its actually hard to come. Taper off just a little. See if she wants to calm down a little.

If you stop and start the early phase of arousal a few times, working her up and tapering off a little, frustrating as it is for her, you are doing her a favour in the long run. She will come harder in the end. She will come so hard that her mind will go black and she will not know where she is. Of course, if she begs you to get back to what you were doing, ignore that last piece of advice. She is the expert on what pleases her, not you or me.

But once you get a serious rhythm going, once she is really moving against your mouth with intent, keep your movements the same. Do not vary what you are doing, and do not vary the rhythm. There is nothing more frustrating than when you are really getting into it and the guy decides to change what he is doing.

And when you feel that shudder start against your tongue, the beginning of her orgasm, do not stop under any circumstances. This is the major thing a man can do wrong in oral sex. He thinks that, because a woman continuing to suck when he is coming can almost hurt, she is the same. She is not. If you stop now, she may have to kill you.

Enjoy the fruits of your efforts, as your woman has a mind-blowing orgasm. Watch her face contort with that delicious agony. Stay with her until the end. But then, and only then, you can pause and feel a little smug. After all, you are now a fully graduated sex god.

After she has come, wait a few moments or even a few minutes. Let her come back to herself. Let her remember where she is. Let her remember who you are. Then gently kiss her pussy a few times. Even try a few gentle licks. If she moans, do it again. Start again. She will be so sensitive by now that the pleasure will be exquisite. Believe me, another orgasm will not take long. And each will be better than the last.

If you do something like this as a single man, you will no longer be single unless you want to be. Because word spreads, especially among women. This is the kind of gossip about you than you will enjoy hearing about. You will find that women no longer "just want to be friends". They will not be thinking about how it might spoil the friendship. They will be thinking about getting themselves a piece of THAT.

And if you are married, or attached, you will earn yourself one million husband points.

And your woman will, just for example and drawing on what has happened in our household this week:
· Finally start doing your laundry first, before her own and the baby's, just as you have been asking for for years, because a man like you must not be allowed to want for underwear and t-shirts
· Get you your favourite cereal, without serving it up with the usual lecture on its high sugar and salt content
· Stop complaining about your addiction to TV and somehow find the money to buy you that West Wing DVD you have been waiting for forever. She may even watch it with you
· Take the baby for the afternoon, so that you can watch the football in peace, with no interruptions
· Cease talking about how you don't meet her needs and how sometimes she thinks about leaving, and instead tell you every day how much she loves you and how handsome you are
· Stop slumping around the house in a giant hell-hath-no-fury-like-a-woman-scorned sulk and instead perk right up, skipping around the house and humming immortal songs like "If you want a do right all day woman, ya gotta be a do right, all night man" under her breath, giving an especially fine rendition in the shower.

And you will know that she is singing about you.