Saturday, September 09, 2006

Giving Good Oral to a Woman

Okay, this post will be something of a departure, in that I normally don't share the explicit details of anything the Big Dude and I do together. Because, well, I'm shy. Plus, there are nice Christian people who read this blog and I don't want to make them feel they shouldn't stop by.

But I heard something that made me tremble for the sex lives of young men and women today. I heard young women waiting at the bus stop talk about giving guys head as a casual thing, something that pleases the guy and adds to their own popularity, without getting any return on their efforts.

Oh. My. God.

Let's leave aside the question of whether these girls are old enough, mature enough, to be doing anything sexual at all that involves another person (although if they were my daughters, they would be grounded forever). How can it be, in this day and age of female liberation on so many fronts, of sexual information available so freely, that girls are still seeing their sexual role as providing some kind of service to mankind? Their own gratification as so unimportant?

I don't get it.

And, you know, it makes me worry for the young men, too, and their future sex lives. Because, as any smart man knows, knowing how to give good oral to a woman is one of the skills that every man needs to have. As the husband in one of my favourite episodes of the series Roseanne said, "You're going to flunk marriage if you can't pass the oral."

So, its clear that something must be done. That any qualms I might have are outweighed by the urgency of this problem. So, while recognising that every woman has her own specific preferences about this act, here is my advice to any man.

Start slow. And I mean, slow. Start with telling her how beautiful, how desirable, she is. With some tender, passionate kissing of the lips on her face. Touch her gently and yet with intent. Kiss her neck, her shoulders, her arms. Take her fingers and kiss each one. Kiss the palms of her hands. Lightly run your hands over her breasts, her stomach, her thighs. Let your lips follow.

Approach her most sensitive parts a little indirectly. Wait until you hear her gasp when you touch her.

Kiss her on the outside of her pussy, on her pubic hair. Rest your head briefly on her mound, and hug her body as if you are coming home after a long time away. Give a little sigh of satisfaction.

Almost all women have some degree of paranoia about how they smell and taste down there. Do nothing, and I mean nothing, to reinforce this paranoia or you may never be allowed there again. Make it clear that she smells good to you. Breathe her in. Tell her how beautiful her pussy is. Tell her how you have been thinking about tasting her all day. Tell her that she tastes like god. Tell her that if it was possible to pour yourself a cup of her juices, you would drink them down as the elixir of life, and ask for seconds.

Do not go straight for the clitoris. Try a few tentative licks down each side of the clitoris. Try a few more. Slowly get your lips as well as your tongue involved, stroking all around the clitoris, but not touching it yet.

With a soft, flat tongue, gently stroke her clitoris. Stroke it again. Move your tongue and your lips all around the area, just enough to make her wonder if you will ever come back to her clitoris because it feels so good. Let her yearning for you build, and then keep come back to her clitoris.

Give her ample time to warm up. Some women, maybe all women, take time to really get out of their own heads, to stop worrying about whether this is the right thing to do if she is single, to stop flicking through her "things to do" list if she is married and especially if she has children, to shut up the chatter in their heads about whether you are enjoying this, whether she is enjoying this, and focus on their sensations. She may not feel much of anything at first. It takes time. Do not rush her. Do nothing to suggest that you are tired or bored. Do nothing to imply that if she doesn't come in 15 minutes flat, she can forget it.

If what you are doing feels even slightly good to her, do it more. Just about the point where you are wondering if you have done it enough, remember that you are an aspiring sex god and do it more.

Make some good, slurpy, joyful noises, like you are eating the most delicious meal you have ever tasted, and just have to lick the plate and not bother with good table manners. Do not mention any developing ache in your jaw or tongue. Believe me, she doesn't want to know, whatever she says. Women sometimes feel obliged to act "unselfish" and feel that their partners shouldn't have to go to this level of effort for them. Toss any protests along those lines aside like the tired, worn out, sexist crap they really are.

As she warms up, try a few things. Try sucking gently on her clitoris to see if she likes it. Not all women do. Some of us love it. Vibrate your tongue all around the area, and on her clitoris, too, if she is ready. Don't hesitate to get your whole face in there. Do it until she whimpers.

When she starts to move her pelvis, to rock against your mouth, she is really getting into it. She is loving it. Do not stop. Do not think that now is a good time for you to stop and ask her to return the favour, or to put your penis into her vagina. That time is not now. Try putting the tips of your fingers into her vagina, instead, while still using your mouth, and play with the entrance. Do not push your fingers in deep. There are far more nerve endings at the entrance of the vagina than anywhere else - otherwise childbirth would be even more unbearable than it already is.

See if you can find her G spot. Its generally an inch or two in, and at the front wall if she is standing up. Try a few strokes, curling your finger towards yourself as if you were summoning someone to come over to you. And don't stop with the mouth action.

Sometimes if this is working well, it works almost too well. The pleasure can be so overwhelming, its actually hard to come. Taper off just a little. See if she wants to calm down a little.

If you stop and start the early phase of arousal a few times, working her up and tapering off a little, frustrating as it is for her, you are doing her a favour in the long run. She will come harder in the end. She will come so hard that her mind will go black and she will not know where she is. Of course, if she begs you to get back to what you were doing, ignore that last piece of advice. She is the expert on what pleases her, not you or me.

But once you get a serious rhythm going, once she is really moving against your mouth with intent, keep your movements the same. Do not vary what you are doing, and do not vary the rhythm. There is nothing more frustrating than when you are really getting into it and the guy decides to change what he is doing.

And when you feel that shudder start against your tongue, the beginning of her orgasm, do not stop under any circumstances. This is the major thing a man can do wrong in oral sex. He thinks that, because a woman continuing to suck when he is coming can almost hurt, she is the same. She is not. If you stop now, she may have to kill you.

Enjoy the fruits of your efforts, as your woman has a mind-blowing orgasm. Watch her face contort with that delicious agony. Stay with her until the end. But then, and only then, you can pause and feel a little smug. After all, you are now a fully graduated sex god.

After she has come, wait a few moments or even a few minutes. Let her come back to herself. Let her remember where she is. Let her remember who you are. Then gently kiss her pussy a few times. Even try a few gentle licks. If she moans, do it again. Start again. She will be so sensitive by now that the pleasure will be exquisite. Believe me, another orgasm will not take long. And each will be better than the last.

If you do something like this as a single man, you will no longer be single unless you want to be. Because word spreads, especially among women. This is the kind of gossip about you than you will enjoy hearing about. You will find that women no longer "just want to be friends". They will not be thinking about how it might spoil the friendship. They will be thinking about getting themselves a piece of THAT.

And if you are married, or attached, you will earn yourself one million husband points.

And your woman will, just for example and drawing on what has happened in our household this week:
· Finally start doing your laundry first, before her own and the baby's, just as you have been asking for for years, because a man like you must not be allowed to want for underwear and t-shirts
· Get you your favourite cereal, without serving it up with the usual lecture on its high sugar and salt content
· Stop complaining about your addiction to TV and somehow find the money to buy you that West Wing DVD you have been waiting for forever. She may even watch it with you
· Take the baby for the afternoon, so that you can watch the football in peace, with no interruptions
· Cease talking about how you don't meet her needs and how sometimes she thinks about leaving, and instead tell you every day how much she loves you and how handsome you are
· Stop slumping around the house in a giant hell-hath-no-fury-like-a-woman-scorned sulk and instead perk right up, skipping around the house and humming immortal songs like "If you want a do right all day woman, ya gotta be a do right, all night man" under her breath, giving an especially fine rendition in the shower.

And you will know that she is singing about you.


Blogger O272 said...

EVERY man needs to read this!!!


6:53 PM  
Anonymous Rosie said...

The line _ "If you stop now, she may have to kill you" is absolutely wonderful. Of course, the entire post is absolutely wonderful. How can we make it required reading for EVERY man, everywhere.

7:09 PM  
Blogger Confused Husband said...

Very good post.

Isn't the juices from a woman already the elixir of life? I know I can't live without it.

7:22 PM  
Blogger trueself said...

I wholeheartedly agree that this should be absolutely required reading for every man.

7:57 PM  
Blogger Working It Out said...

Well written!

Good communication is key too... My wife, for instance absolutely HATES upward licks. It hurts her and kills the mood tre-quick. She is all about the side to side tongue action. I swear I've seen porn stars go every wich way when they are doin' the oral thing and the girls at least pretend to like it, so maybe its just my wife that doesn't like the up strokes (or maybe they really are porn actresses).

If there is one thing I do well, its give good oral to my woman. She has yet to orgasm via intercourse, so this is our old faithful.

8:51 PM  
Blogger freebird said...

Oh my.... I think I need a lie down!
Thank you, Emily. You've reinforced my appreciation of how lucky I've become, and I'm so glad to hear that you are too. I'd like to thank you on behalf of every woman out there and I strongly recommend that their men read and learn from your post.

3:41 AM  
Blogger Rob said...

Well, speaking as a guy who has taken oral exams all his life (ahem... lol), I have to say that you've really hit a homer with this post, Emily. One thing to add and based on long ago personal experience, if a guy has problems of his own (egs, premature ejaculation, difficulty in getting it up due to various reasons, etc etc), the best way to cope with that is good oral sex on his lady. Seeing her full and complete enjoyment FIRST will go a long way in helping him to then enjoy his SECOND. Ladies first, as they say (evil grin)

4:29 AM  
Blogger C-Marie said...

Yes yes yes! This is a must read for someone in MY house!! Hahaha!

5:42 AM  
Blogger Mu Ling said...

Bravo, Emily! You are a sex goddess.

3:55 PM  
Blogger cagedone said...

Ok maybe I do something wrong, maybe I don't? lots of maybes.

To take a feather out of Digger, my wife fits the "LL" category very well. she claims she does not like it!!

Interesting the rare times she "lets" me go down (its probabluy been about a year!!), she orgasms really fast, faster than when I do anything I just don't get it?...whats the deal here???

She tells me that she prefers me to be "in" her when she orgasms, perhaps the rare occassionw we have sex she prefers the real deal...??

But hey I love the taste...I would do it every night and forgo normal sex (well within reason!!) I don't even particularly like recieving oral its certainly not THAT expectation that puts her off. seems that my wife is a bigger mystery than any other woman I have met!!

5:26 PM  
Blogger Satan said...

We've got to get this published in Newsweek or something. The public has a right to this information.

Now I've got to go see if I can calm my racing pulse in some way or another. ;)

6:20 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Great information, but mostly just depressing for some of us.

My issue is that when I see these things written, I feel like I'm being convicted. Convicted of being bad at oral sex. But I know I'm not. I'd gladly do all those things for hours, but some women (or just my own, perhaps) don't want that. I can't go anywhere near her clitoris. She doesn't want me down there at all. And I feel like blog women everywhere are saying, Well, then you just aren't doing it right. And that's not true. But how can I convince anyone of that?

I don't know why it bothers me so much. But it does.

Okay, I just had a great idea... What if we lined up 10 women, and saw how many I could get to orgasm by oral sex? Then, if it went well and I proved myself, I could get a t-shirt that says something like, 9 out of 10 women recommend FTN for oral sex!

I bet my wife won't go for that idea.

7:50 AM  
Blogger Tajalude said...

I am torn. On one hand, I am ready to print this post out and lay on my husbands pillow for some night reading. On the other, I feel very sad because I know my husband doesn't enjoy doing this for me, as can be evidenced in the number of times he has done this for me, and how many times I have given HIM oral. (No contest.) I even started withholding oral on him to see if he'd get the hint... nope.

BUT... maybe there's hope.

3:54 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

I'm glad you all seem to approve, as I thought you might be a bit startled by this sudden departure, and I viewed it as a kind of public service announcement :-)

Working It Out - I totally agree about the communication part. My partner doesn't seem to really like being given explicit instructions (maybe its a generational, old fashioned kind of thing), so I just make plenty of noise when he gets it right, and he catches on pretty fast :-)

Caged One, FTN, Tajalude - I don't really know how much can be done about a person who just doesn't want to.

Taja - I am just wondering if the fact that it doesn't happen very often really means that he dislikes it? I mean, I must have done it for my partner on a ratio of about 10:1, but that didn't mean he didn't like doing it, it just didn't really occur to him unless I asked.

And, FTN, it really doesn't mean you aren't doing it right! People have their own preferences and hangups. Your wife has been very clear on her thoughts about oral sex, and they have nothing to do with your technique. By the way, I like your idea. Are you calling for volunteers? :-)

6:25 PM  
Blogger Tajalude said...

That's true. He has no problem asking for it, and thinks I should be asking when *I* want it. I'm not built that way, though. I often give him oral without provocation (or should I say, used to) and he seems to only do it when I mention how long it's been. I should add that he has fallen asleep while doing this about 2-3x's over the course of our marriage. Not exactly setting a good trend!

7:45 PM  
Blogger Working It Out said...

fell ASLEEP doing? Good lord. That is a pretty good indication he isn't doing something right. LOL.

9:24 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

Volunteers? Do you think I'd get any?

I'm not sure I could take that kind of rejection.

8:26 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Taja - I think asking for it really goes against our conditioning as women. Why do you think my own ratio was so highly in the Big Dude's favour? But, you know, I find I'm getting over that, nowadays, and the rewards for getting over it are quite high.

FTN - What makes you think that you would be rejected? :-)

2:20 PM  
Blogger trueself said...

Good grief, FTN, if I hadn't just pledged fidelity to the new man in my life I'd be first in line to volunteer!

3:47 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Sorry I'm so late to the party, Emily. . .

For years (we've been married 26), Molly just wasn't interested in receiving oral - thought it was gross, whatever. I tried 'going down' on her spontaneously a few times, but she always pushed me away, so I just left it alone.

About 3-4 years ago, tho, I raised the topic, and she seemed more open to the idea than she'd ever been before. So I went to work, and before long she was in a sort of rolling state of continual orgasm. Needless to say, it has been a regular part of our repertoire ever since.

The heck of it is, I have no idea what changed - why, after 22 years of marriage, she was suddenly open to what she had wanted no part of before. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. . .

I might be the odd guy, but I LOVE going down on my woman - love the smell, the taste, the texture, the consistency, everything about it - and I don't particularly care if she ever goes down on me. Sometimes she'll go down on me sort of casually, for foreplay, and it's nice, but I'd MUCH rather be inside her, or going down on her. . .

10:46 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Hi Desmond

Sometimes these things are quite mysterious.

I remember that, for the first three years of our relationship, I couldn't come from penetration, even though I really enjoyed it.

Then, one day I suddenly could. And I've had very little difficulty doing so every since.

The Big Dude asked "Why now? Why now, and not before?" And the truth is that I really had no idea, and still don't.

So, who knows, FTN, Taja and Caged One - there may still be hope!

1:29 PM  
Blogger Lickety Split said...

I love this post and it's my favorite part of sex...unfortunately my wife doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as some of you. She will make me stop to try penetration once she gets excited. Not to say that I mind, but, I would like that to be the bonus points after...

4:09 PM  
Anonymous oralmick said...


I love giving oral I have for a very long time and have never had any complaints from the women. On the contrary they have started to expect it from me so havent experienced a quicky ever, or make up sex like what make up sex sis meant to be.

My problem is that I have never had a women who is willing to give it back so the article that you have written applies to me in the reverse cause I feel like I need have to do it and I know for myself I ama guaranteed to cum and she isnt so I need to make sure she has had multi orgasms and dont stop till lshe says she wants me in her.

I have tried what ftn suggested and got no women interested and I am not a bad looking guy so FTN not sure if you will get too many volunteers.

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Blogger JP Rogers said...

First identify the clitoris. The best thing to do is take a look at a drawing or photo of the female anatomy. Once you see the clitoris, notice the "hood" that covers it. That's where you want to focus your oral action.Next, some simple technique. Let's use a basic but effective technique to start with. Small circles. With your tongue, make small circles over the clitoral hood.

Cunnilingus Tips

8:49 AM  
Blogger Grateful 1 said...


TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL! Obviously he's not a mind reader (not a judgment or critism just saying ;-)). It is of the upmost importance that you give expression to what you are feeling and what you desire. What you feel and what you desire are valid, relevant and important and therefore should not be hidden, suppressed or oppressed as this is not good or healthy for you mentally, emotionally, sexually nor for the relationship as a whole. Know that if we are not true to ourselves and settle for what is less than what we desire and deserve which in this case means giving out and pleasing in a way (or ways) that you yourself are being denied or deprived of, leads to bitterness, resentment, and feelings of being used... (Been there done that!) I encourage you to sit with these words and then speak your truth when you feel the time is right and when you feel strong enough (not to imply in anyway that you won't feel hesitant in expressing your feelings because in general at some level or another most of us, whether housed in a male or female body are afraid of and uncomfortable with vulnerability). Only you know your partner and how he is able to receive or hear you best. So consider and apply what you know works for him but at the same time don't feel that you must be the one to "convict" or "convince" him of your the truth and it's relevance. Share what you feel and let him sit with and process what you've said. Leave the ball in his court so to speak and go from there. At any rate be open to his feed back but don't in ANYWAY feel guilty or ashamed or back peddle from your wants, your truth as EVERY indiviual has likes and desires that are valid whether we happen to come in the packaging of a female or male body and no one indivual gender should be more catered to then the other as both are equal! I'm rooting for you as I know what you are feeling because I have felt and faced the same things and have come out positively on the other side.
My husband never knew how I felt and once he understood how I felt and where I was coming from and that I was not attacking him or saying or implying he wasn't "good" enough..., things changed (after he had time to process and digest my words, my truth). My husband is now very conscious and desirous to please me.
From this woman to all women (without any disregard or disrespect to men).
Be encouraged.
Love yourself.
Speak your truth.
You are important!
Your are worth it.
And know that there are men (and women for that matter) out there that would love to reciprocate your love or meet your needs and you never know, you just might find that in the person you are already with or it may be that this person is yet to come. Be open. Be real. And if your partner is unwilling or unable to receive and understand your needs and desires and/or refuses to meet you where you, consider whether or not this is the right person or relationship for you, whether having an open relationship maybe more suited for you and your situation so that neither partner's needs or desires whether (mentally, emotionally, sexually, physically, etc.) go unfulfilled. This is something my husband and I talked about and something that he opened up to because he came to understood that it was wrong for him to be gratified and fulfilled and for me to be sentenced to a life of going without simply because he may have been unable to meet me where I was, to love me the way I needed to be loved (and again not applying this only to sex or intimacy).
Like I've said there is hope and you just never know. I didn't think my husband would have embraced or accepted these ideas or possibilities but I stayed true to myself and my desires and there was a turnaround within a few days.

Love and Light to ALL.

11:32 AM  

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