Thursday, August 31, 2006


I was surprised to find that it was my partner who moved first.

I came home from work to find my partner busily clearing up and washing and sterilising bottles. The thing is, that is my job, something I do later in the evening after dinner, shortly before going to bed. Him sterilising bottles means that there are plans for that part of the evening.

And yes, my partner did have plans - while he appeared to be in the kitchen washing up, what he was actually doing in the kitchen was cooking up some tofu burger.

So, yes, we went to bed. I went almost unwillingly, still plagued by all the emotions of the last few days, my body like lead.

But there was some pretty decent kissing and touching, including kissing of that part of my neck where my shoulder begins, which is practically guaranteed to get me going. Usually, one kiss on the neck and I'm anybody's! Its a trick more men should know about. And it sort of got me going. Probably helped by the fact that he had a massive erection that suggested that tofu burger was not being served cold.

Unfortunately, once he stopped kissing my neck and tried to get down to business, I cooled right down again, which is very unlike me. The fact is that, while I was not exactly still mad, I was still too emotional, too raw. Thoughts were buzzing in my head, and they were not good thoughts.

I was thinking about the past. I was thinking about mercy fucks. I was thinking about tofu, and whether it was actually really any different to a mercy fuck. A sort of cousin to the mercy fuck, but just a little prettier.

I stopped him, and admitted I just couldn't keep going, that I was still brooding over the other night and couldn't stop thinking. He was disappointed. But he said "Then we'll try again tomorrow night". I asked him what if that didn't work. He said, "Then we'll try again the following night". Okay, so I was a little bit impressed by his dedication.

And I saw something more clearly. I saw how much he was trying to please me.

I saw that the reason doing things like this is not a mercy fuck is because there is no lord of the manor here and no beggar. There is no manor. There is no table of plenty before which anyone could beg.

What we have here is more like two people in a bombed out building - bombed out by illness, by infertility issues, and mostly by war. Devastated. There should be nothing left. But there are two people left. Not beggars exactly, but two survivors, their clothes blackened and tattered and their faces pale and shell-shocked, but alive all the same. And one of them says to the other, "I know there isn't much food around here, but I do have this piece of bread. Its not much, but we could share it". And they do share it. And it keeps them going until better times.

And I asked my partner if oral sex could be part of things. You see, the thing is, I lurve oral sex, and so does my partner. I love to give that pleasure and I love to receive it. There are few pleasures more exquisite than those supplied by a willing tongue. We are both orally fixated. Obviously, we are not the only ones. Freebird has a most excellent joke on her blog that suggests she feels the same.

And he said oral sex could definitely be part of things. And it was. There was soft, tender, slurpily pleasing oral sex. And it was good. And, you know, its hard to see how any arrangement can be bad if it involves more oral sex.


Anonymous Rosie said...

Those neck kisses are DEFINITELY
something, certain spots, that ALL men should know. Pay attention guys, the secret has been told.

And I think your metaphoric (is that right) stories are wonderful at conveying your feelings. I think seeing the tofu burger being prepared was the undoing of you that particular evening. (And they say men are visual.)

He did try after all. Does he understand your feelings do you think - about that time?

4:21 PM  
Blogger oldbear said...

Oh Sweetheart, please don't do this to me. I was so sad and worried about the way things were between you two. Now I am literally sobbing as I write this. The roller coaster is unbelievable!!!

That said, I am so happy for you. I was going to say these two things anyway, but now it seems more important than evr. 1---I think he really loves you and wants to sex you, but to be impotent and/or have no sex drive is one of th most terrifying things a man can face. It must be horrible for him to want to please the woman he knows, and have his body or mind betray him.

See my blog, I know of what I speak, I would rather face a mad pit bull with just a breaker bar for weapon again than go thru my temporary bout with impotence again.

2---The other is, there is clearly some othe rfactor involved inthsi reluctance which has not been admitted to, or discussed, or coaxed out in to the open, or acknowledged by him to him.

Please consider it may weel be about some issue of his and he either dont know it or cant bring himself to share it with you.

I wish you both progress together and Love and sexual pleasure.

PS-loved your survivor imagery!!

6:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahh, I know that neck spot as well... although if I am not properly prepared to receive lips at that super-spot, it tickles me. My husband uses that as a barometer to see how I'm feeling! If I giggle and push him away, I'm not in the mood. If I lean into it and close my eyes, I'm receptive. If I do a reach around and push into it, he better be ready to roll. : )

That sounds like progress. I hope you're able to let yourself feel positive about the experience... I know for me, when things start to show an upward trend, I am usually waiting for the other shoe to drop and have a hard time letting myself enjoy the positive energy.

Maybe you can try to use this experience to replace one of the negative ones so that when the next disappointment happens (NOT THAT THERE WILL BE ONE, just sayin') you will have this time to look back on?

Unrelated, but thank you so much for your comments on my last post. It really means a lot to me to hear another woman's perspective on it and to help me realize I'm not crazy. (Well, not for that reason at least. : )

7:24 PM  
Blogger trueself said...

"And, you know, its hard to see how any arrangement can be bad if it involves more oral sex."

You summed it up very well right there. Yes, indeedy.

8:30 PM  
Blogger freebird said...


1:56 AM  
Blogger Rob said...

"its hard to see how any arrangement can be bad if it involves more oral sex."

And the sad thing is that there are so many guys out there that:
(1) feel disgusted by oral sex, or
(2) are lousy at oral sex, or
(3) are selfish, preferring to receive but not give oral sex

Fortunately I'm none of these as I have always enjoyed oral sex, applied in *all* places of a woman's anatomy, especially her neck! To see my partner enjoy herself fully before I do is what I strive to make happen. By all means Emily, have him include oral sex.

4:20 AM  
Blogger Mu Ling said...

Thanks for this beautiful and honest post. I also loved the survivor metaphor.

Be kind. Seems like you're both trying to find your way forward through all this.

6:45 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Sadly, not ALL women are easily inspired by neck-kisses. Trust me, I've tried every inch of a certain neck.

And I think pretty much every arrangement should involve oral sex.

Although that might make for some interesting meetings in Congress.

7:33 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Thank you all. You know, it strikes me how generous my commenters are. Only a small proportion of people who look at a blog ever comment, so I appreciate how many I get for pretty early days. And I don't seem to get any trolls - not yet, anyway. And I am really appreciating the insightful and supportive nature of the comments I get.

Rosie - I think he sort of understands my feelings. I think if he really understood them, these types of things wouldn't happen. But I know he tries.

Oldbear - What a lovely man you are. It hadn't occurred to me that anyone would think my life was dramatic. I can't tell you how boring it is, most of the time! But I must admit that I was getting quite worried myself for a while, there...

I think that you are right about both (1) and (2). When I was waxing lyrical about how humiliating I find this whole thing, my partner said, with great feeling, "You don't know the MEANING of humiliating."

And I, too, sense that there is more to it. But I have asked him many times. I try to dig deep. But my partner is kind of old school on his emotions. Sometimes talking to him about his feelings is like hacking away at stony ground with a pickaxe - you work and work, and have very little to show for it at the end. It starts to feel like harassment instead of sharing. Ultimately, I can't MAKE him tell me.

Tajalude - Thanks, and I'm glad you didn't find my comments just way too gloomy and way too much. I guess after my experiences, and seeing the difficulties other very good people have had, I don't have quite the same faith that many of your commenters do that the universe will just come through for us and everything will be alright. Sometimes it doesn't, and we just have to seize the opportunities we have with both hands and make the most of them.

Truebird, Freebird, FTN and Rob - my feelings exactly! Yum!

Mu Ling - I have clicked on your blog and would like to welcome you to the blogging world. You have some pretty snazzy metaphors of your own, I notice!

4:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oral sex.. gah, I need more of that too- to give it I mean.

For some reason she's anti oral being pregnant.

I really enjoy your blog btw even though I don't comment as much as I should. ;)

9:18 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

Mr Husbland - I felt a bit funny about it when I was pregnant, too. I knew that I tasted "different" and that made me self-conscious.

2:25 PM  
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