Is It Me?

You know, I am just so fucking angry about this whole thing that I feel like I am about to completely lose it.

I can feel how distorted my thinking has become, I can feel how out of control my emotions have become, but I just can't seem to calm down and get over it.

I know that part of the problem is the way I react. I can see that the fact that I take it so hard probably makes it even more difficult for my partner to get over his own mental and other obstacles and try. And surely I should be able to take the rejection better than I do. God knows I have had enough practice. But we have got to the point where every rejection is not just that specific rejection, but every other rejection at the same time. Its like being slapped in the face and kicked in the guts every, every time.

My partner looks quite calm this morning, because he thinks the fact that we both apologised means we have "made up". But the honest truth is that I feel like a time bomb that is sitting here quietly, largely unobserved, but going "tick, tick, tick" all the same.

I look in the mirror, and I see a woman who is actually, if not exactly the "sexy" type, really quite attractive. Who has soft, shiny hair, a pretty face, laughing eyes, a friendly smile, who creates an impression of energy and intelligence and a warm, welcoming kind of presence. Who is, it is true, not slender. But then, in my experience, many men are not at all opposed to a bit of something to grab onto and a nice, soft ride.

I see the way other men interract with me, and they don't act as if they are talking to an ugly person who could never interest them. Men, on the whole, have always liked me, just as I have always liked them. I can see the liking in their eyes. I can see, on occasion, that appreciative and speculative look that they give a woman they find attractive.

But at times like these, I feel so ugly, so unattractive. I feel like I am hardly a woman at all.

I feel unfuckable.