Monday, August 28, 2006

Is It Me?

You know, I am just so fucking angry about this whole thing that I feel like I am about to completely lose it.

I can feel how distorted my thinking has become, I can feel how out of control my emotions have become, but I just can't seem to calm down and get over it.

I know that part of the problem is the way I react. I can see that the fact that I take it so hard probably makes it even more difficult for my partner to get over his own mental and other obstacles and try. And surely I should be able to take the rejection better than I do. God knows I have had enough practice. But we have got to the point where every rejection is not just that specific rejection, but every other rejection at the same time. Its like being slapped in the face and kicked in the guts every, every time.

My partner looks quite calm this morning, because he thinks the fact that we both apologised means we have "made up". But the honest truth is that I feel like a time bomb that is sitting here quietly, largely unobserved, but going "tick, tick, tick" all the same.

I look in the mirror, and I see a woman who is actually, if not exactly the "sexy" type, really quite attractive. Who has soft, shiny hair, a pretty face, laughing eyes, a friendly smile, who creates an impression of energy and intelligence and a warm, welcoming kind of presence. Who is, it is true, not slender. But then, in my experience, many men are not at all opposed to a bit of something to grab onto and a nice, soft ride.

I see the way other men interract with me, and they don't act as if they are talking to an ugly person who could never interest them. Men, on the whole, have always liked me, just as I have always liked them. I can see the liking in their eyes. I can see, on occasion, that appreciative and speculative look that they give a woman they find attractive.

But at times like these, I feel so ugly, so unattractive. I feel like I am hardly a woman at all.

I feel unfuckable.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

No it's not you. I live the same life you do it sounds. It takes a LONG LONG time to realize it isn't you.

And sometimes after you figure that out ... those thoughts still manage to creep in.

Keep your chin up hun.


6:09 PM  
Blogger Rob said...

Maybe flirting a little with other men might: (A) lift your spirits up as you receive attention back, (B) instill a little jealousy in your partner which might lead to him paying more attention to you, and (C) prove that you are really - a very fuckable woman! Please don't get down on yourself Emily. You can't control your partner's actions (only he can). All you can control is your own view of yourself as a person worthy of being loved and desired.

3:20 AM  
Blogger trueself said...

You are NOT unfuckable. It is not you. It is him.

You are living a situation uncomfortably close to mine. I will never advise you to follow in my footsteps because I am not proud of the path that I've chosen to follow. But I will tell you that I have been convinced for the past few years that I was unfuckable. Meeting men through the internet and having lunches with them has now convinced me otherwise. There ARE men out there who find me attractive and desirable. If you decide you want to find them, you will be able to find the same thing about yourself.

It ISN'T you. It IS him.

4:43 AM  
Blogger So Gone Over You said...

It is absolutely not you, it's him. (As others have said.)

You are not unfuckable, he just doesn't see what he has right in front of his face - and that's his problem, not yours. His actions/inactions just make it your problem because of his insensitivity.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

5:25 AM  
Blogger Cat said...

It is definitely not you, but I can identify with how hard it is to believe that. It doesn't matter if your mate finds you fuckable it won't be true until you believe it...

9:38 AM  
Blogger freebird said...

You're quite justified in being angry. You know very well you're an attractive, sexy woman. Why should you quietly accept the rejection?
Maybe Rob's got a point. Try a bit of flirtation! I'm not suggesting you follow it through, but at least it might top up your self-esteem. (Or would it just rub it in that everybody else sees you for what you are, but not him? Hmmm.......this is sounding familiar.)

11:29 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

If you are looking for some encouragement, I can tell you that you sound quite cute! :-)

12:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been where you are. I know that feeling. No advice, just empathy. Sometimes it goes away, and sometimes the feeling fades a little... and sometimes it comes on strong. When it comes on strong, it feels suffocating.

5:30 PM  
Blogger cagedone said...

How I can relate to how you feel but as a male.

For me I can't comprehend not being interested in my partner...alas the roles are reversed.

Oh well if you ever want an affair we live on the same spose thats not funny and it helps the whole situation....NOT

But listen to the others....its not really isn't, even though I think its me lot of the time...I tell myself and eventually believe it as well....still hurts like fuck tho....

BTW affairs don't really help...because its not sex you really want its the intimacy with the one you least that is true for is great and I love it...could do it 5 times a day...really!!..but in reality indifferance is the real soul destroyer...I have been saying that a lot lately...I am sure I stole it from some one.

Empathy if it helps is mine to give.

4:31 AM  
Blogger aphron said...

No one is unfuckable. Your significant other probably has issues that has nothing to do with you. Of course, you're caught in the midst of it. Perusing your last post, I admit to becoming defensive, when faced by an irate woman, too. It's a weakness. He needs to understand that he isn't upholding his end of the bargain. If there was something he really needed you to do and you weren't doing it, I'm sure he would be pretty upset.

8:57 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Thank you all, for your comments and empathy.

I try not to flirt with other men (except in a light, fun kind of way) because, well, its best not to walk on muddy bank if you think you just might fall in.

And on that subject, thank you, FTN for your lovely comment - you sound cute, too, even with a cold!

And thank you, Cagedone, for your generous offer :-) Its just a pity I can't accept it for the same reasons you have described, that what I want is intimacy with the one I love, but the offer made me smile

5:01 PM  
Blogger C-Marie said...

Shame to say - more often than not, I mirror this post.

6:23 AM  

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