Masturbation

Heading south. Southern comfort. A night in with the girls. Letting your fingers do the walking. Paddling your own canoe. She-bopping.

FTN has kind of an interesting post on masturbation. I was about to just comment on his site, but I realized that anything I have to say on the subject is way too long for a comments section.

Those familiar with FTN know that he has sworn off masturbation, along with pornography. I don't quite agree with some of the things he says about masturbation. For instance, he argues that habitual masturbation can lead to a selfish sexuality and that he wants to be in control of his sexuality, rather than letting it control him.

This may well be true, but then, I think its also true of any interest that gets a little "out of hand" (wow, he is right about how hard, I mean difficult, it is to talk about this subject without double entendres). Any of these interests can become somewhat compulsive and interfere with a relationship. I have known wives of obsessive golfers who would be relieved if he took up masturbation instead - at least it wouldn't take so long or be as boring to watch! There seems to be no obvious reason why masturbation presents a specific, rather than a general, problem of the pursuing of interests that cut out the partner and ignore their needs.

To me, masturbation is just a natural thing. And its a very early impulse. I notice that my Little Dude already touches himself sometimes - sometimes for fun, and sometimes for comfort, particularly when he is a little tired and upset. He has a healthy and innocent interest in his little joystick. And, while when he is older we might have a little talk about things we do in private, I refuse to do anything that might make him feel bad about doing it.

Porn I feel somewhat differently about. I have issues with porn, although they are more feminist in nature to do with the types of choices women have, and especially the choices of the women who appear in the porn. Although it must be said that if I thought pornography would rev up my partner, I would cheerfully paper the bedroom with it and exploitation of women be damned!

Anyway, I respect FTN's choice. I can see why he is doing it (or not doing it!) and it seems to be having a positive effect on his relationship with his wife, his God and himself. Good for him.

Now, FTN has asked if I have seen a time, either in me or in a spouse or partner, that masturbation has seemed to become unhealthy or cause problems in a relationship? Either physically or emotionally?

Yes, of course I have. I think it would be a significant problem when a sexual relationship with a partner is clearly being replaced by masturbation, aka Tajalude's and So Gone's former situation and perhaps a continuing situation for C-Marie. Now, that would seriously piss me off.

But what if a person does not have a partner who wants to share their sexuality together? What if they do not have an eager, willing spouse who is waiting for an approach from a person who is already sated by masturbation? What if their partner regards what should be a shared joy as a burden or, at least, a responsibility they cannot fulfill?

In that case, I feel, masturbation is not a selfish activity, but a selfless one and an aid to the relationship.

I am not a naturally celibate person. But prolonged, and I mean very prolonged, periods of celibacy have been forced on me by my partner's illnesses. Sometimes years have gone by of having sex 2-3 times per year. I find that, while I can just about get by for weeks and sometimes months without sex, I couldn't do it without masturbation. To me, masturbation is a blessed aid in situations of prolonged, unwanted celibacy. It helps take the edge off. It gives me a way to meet a least some of the needs that my partner is incapable of meeting.

And masturbation meets a very specific kind of need and situation. I mean, my partner's illness also has an impact on his capacity for conversation. I would be very conversation-starved if I was relying on him. But I can meet my needs for conversation with other people. He doesn't mind that. I can chat to other people all day, if I like - face to face, on the phone, on the internet, any method of meeting that need for conversation is just fine with him. He feels very differently about my meeting my needs for sex with other people. Hence, masturbation.

And I do not think my tendency to grumpiness and resentment about lack of sex, and the effect of that on our relationship, would be helped by cutting out the masturbation. I think they would be much worse.

And, to tell you the truth, I do not think it is such a great idea for a woman who goes out to work every day and meets attractive men all the time, to leave her sexual needs completely unmet.

If I have any issue with masturbation nowadays, it is just that it is not enough. I can have very rich fantasies while masturbating that I thorougly enjoy. I can have very powerful orgasms while masturbating, sometimes more powerful than those I have with my partner. But I don't get that feeling of closeness and of intimacy. Masturbation, for all its joys, is a lonely activity. It is a substitute for the real thing, and I would dump it in a heartbeat if the real thing was available.

Now, I have a tangential thought to share with you. I did not find my churchy, evangelical upbringing, including its teachings on masturbation, helpful to healthy ideas about sexuality. I started masturbating when I was ten years old. Despite my many vows to abstain as a teenager, I was never able to stop for longer than a few weeks or months. All those teachings did was make me feel guilty and ashamed of what was basically natural. Not just guilty and ashamed about masturbation, but guilty and ashamed about having sexual desires at all.

And the thing is, I think that masturbation, as opposed to some of the feelings I had about it from that kind of teaching, was actually good for me. I think it is helpful for a woman, who is often dealing with men who know very little about female sexuality and have very stereotypical ideas about what "should" work for her, to know what gets her off and be able to communicate that with confidence.

And in many respects, I find these churches promote very unhealthy and unrealistic ideas about sexuality and marriage in general. They tend to promote stereotypes about the responsibility of girls to put the breaks on male sexuality - without more than the occasional nod to the idea that she has sexual desires, too, and that they may even be stronger than his. They reinforce quite sexist and unhelpful ideas about girls who have been "used" (a charming expression that was quite common among the men from our church) or not. I was quite shocked by the general disrespect of young Christian men towards women. And with the strong emphasis of these churches on waiting until marriage, they tend to push relatively young, inexperienced people, who are not really mature enough to choose a spouse, into rushing towards marriage.

And most of all, I think they promote quite unrealistic ideas about marriage itself. I think that my friends and I were really given the impression that a few years of difficult self-control would be followed by no-holds-barred, fulfilling, God-intended sexuality that would be all the sweeter for having reserved ourselves for each other.

I think most of us have found that long-term sexual relationships are far more tricky than that, and that we were quite unprepared for issues like differences in desire, the impact of children and mortgages, the possibility of traumas like long-term and serious illnesses, and the emotional and other kinds of abuses that can take place when one spouse feels "entitled" to sex because they are married. We regarded our singleness as our "tough" time sexually and marriage as an answer to all that.

And most of us found that we were like marathon-runners who thought the race was over when it had barely begun. We crossed what we thought was the finish line only to find that it was actually the starting post.

We used to ask each other if we believed in sex before marriage. Now, we would probably ask each other if we believed in sex after marriage.