Saturday, January 06, 2007

Love Letters

While packing yesterday for the move to our new house, I found a pile of our old love letters. When we were away from each other, we sometimes wrote each other letters that were a mixture of memory and fantasy:

You kiss me deeply on the lips and neither of us can draw away. I feel hypnotised by the feeling between us. Your hands and lips move over my body, creating a tingling excitement wherever they go. I ache, wanting and needing your caresses. You hold me tightly, murmering over and over that you love me. My gratitude to God and the universe, whichever sent you to me, seems to flow out from me and the air around us is thick with our passion and tenderness as we merge into one...

Actually, I just edited out the more explicit bits - I don't know why. Maybe I'm shy.

But I am trying to remember the last time we had sex when I was totally certain that he really wanted me. I went out to a university "heroes and heroines, bastards and bitches of history" party. I went dressed as Cleopatra in a glittering gold and black dress, much sexier than my usual style. I was confident that I was looking my absolute best and I kept up my persona all evening, enjoying being pursued by all those heroes and bastards. When I came home, my Big Dude was lurking, just waiting for me to get in the door. Then he pounced on me, pulled my dress off and ravished me extremely enjoyably.

That was 1994.

We still love each other and we have even created a beautiful child together out of our love and commitment.

But it's been well over a decade since we’ve had true, mutual passion between us - not "making an effort", not "trying", but just fucking for love, pleasure and fun and just because we both wanted to.

I miss it. I really, really miss it.


Blogger C-Marie said...

I totally relate to this.


4:11 AM  
Blogger Rob said...

Memories can be great but they can also be bittersweet. I think many of us can understand your feelings, Em. That said, you must look forward, adapt and/or cope in whatever way(s) are open to you. Live for today, not for the past as it can never return.

11:20 AM  
Blogger LePhare said...

I miss it too, but most of all I miss a stand up cuddle.

4:35 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

*Stands up and cuddles LePhare*

12:20 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

1994. Wow, that was a long time ago. What can I say to that.

Perhaps you need to break out that sexy outfit you wore in the RealBlogger house... I bet that one ranked right up there with the Cleopatra getup.

10:52 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Ah, FTN, you are always the optimist. I think I and C-Marie and some of the other women could tell you that if you don't have a responsive partner, you could cover yourself in feathers and glitter and dance naked around the house and they wouldn't even lift their eyes from the TV screen...

1:07 PM  
Blogger FATSO said...

c-marie and others....

I think many of us relate to this. And sometimes we feel guilty that we want (need) more...

9:58 AM  
Blogger Fiona said...

I'm in the first relationship I've ever had where I can honestly say....he wants me!

Until now I've dealt with various forms of impotence in my past partners (all three of them).

And now, the sex is awesome (sorry Emily not trying to rub anything in so to speak) but there is really nothing to compare with the intimacy and tenderness of the caresses and cuddles and kisses we share.

Just don't let yourself ever doubt your own sensuality because you have an unresponsive partner - it took me until my current love to realise this and he's still helping me through it.

3:20 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Wow, Fiona, three out of three was a serious run of bad luck :-)

Actually, I had one relationship with someone who had an impotency issue, too. I found, to be honest, that the penetration issue was less of a problem for me than it was for him. When we broke up, that wasn't the reason.

I agree with you that great sex is awesome. I don't begrudge it to you at all. I'm really happy for you. I just wish I could be happy for myself in that respect :-)

But my Big Dude has a lot of good qualities. Sometimes I think he gets a very bad rap on my blog.

2:02 PM  

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