Thursday, August 30, 2007

Maybe Baby

The Big Dude and I are talking about having another baby.

I always intended to have another baby. In the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I spent a lot of time feverishly plotting how we could have a second child - when we would do it, how we would get the money for the fertility treatment, at what point I could take more leave, and would my Big Dude's health hold up.

When we inquired about our original sperm donor last year, the news was not good. The terms under which our fertility clinic now accepted sperm had changed and the donor hadn't yet replied to a letter asking him to donate under the new conditions. I was very uneasy about using a different donor for a second child and decided to wait.

Now, it seems like all systems are go. Our original donor is now available. My working conditions (especially if I can bring myself to stay in my current job) are flexible enough to accommodate firstly fertility treatment and then a pregnancy and maternity leave and more part-time work. Our Little Dude is old enough to need just that little bit less care that makes a baby more of a possibility. We could get a loan for the money. My mother will soon be living next door and has said she'll help with the babysitting.

Everything looks right. We have booked in for an appointment with our specialist in a couple of months time.

But as I stand here on the very brink, I'm not sure if it feels right. I should be really excited that things are coming together so well, and yet somehow I'm not. I'm a bit stunned by my own absence of excitement.

I think about having another little baby to hold and I melt inside. But I am also thinking about how tired I am and about having to trudge to the clinic at the crack of dawn for the injections every morning. I am thinking about how unbelievably crap it feels when a cycle fails. I am thinking about the impact on my body. I am thinking about how distant my Big Dude seemed to be when I was pregnant. I am thinking about the pain of the birth. I am thinking about lack of sleep, a baby crying and that utter dismay I felt when I truly realized just how hard having a baby is and that I was going to have to do it all day after day after day.

I love my Little Dude so much. He seems more beautiful every day. Everything I went through to have him I would do again fifty times over rather than have missed out on having him.

But can I really face going through it all again?


Blogger Sailor said...

You can face anything you choose to face; and it's not surprising you'd have some ambivalence, I think that's natural for most people.

Probably even more so when you have so many extra things to go through, for the fertility treatments, etc.

I know that with each one of our four, there were times as we discussed it all, that we had doubts and days we were not as excited as others.

Hugs for ya, whatever you decide!

4:37 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Wow, that's a big decision for the two of you. And I have no help, I'm afraid, other than to tell you to spend plenty of time talking about it. Good luck, though!

7:00 AM  
Blogger Lizzie said...

Your trepidation may come from having been thru this before. You know how much energy it will take! I probably don't need to tell you that the reward is SO great. My youngest two are only 16 months apart. When I found out I was pregnant with the last one, I had a panic attack at the work of having 2 so close together. Now, 19 years later, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. They are so close to each other and wound up growing up like twins. Giving the little Dude a sibling would be a great gift.

8:54 AM  
Anonymous C-Marie said...

I can only wish you happiness in whatever choice you decide!


5:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If there is any second guessing - don't do it! Maybe you could adopt instead?

6:54 PM  
Blogger happyme said...

I have been reading your blog for a while but never commented. Love the way you write!

I really think that children enrich our lives.

You seem like a wonderful mother and the little dude can only benefit from the closeness and joy (and punch-ups and arguments) of a sibling!!!! As they grow older they will have each other for entertainment and company and that will give you more time either for yourself or with the bid dude.

I say.......GO FOR IT!!!!

9 months is not so long in the scheme of things. The 12 months of sleepless nights after that will all pay off ;)

Of course in the end the decision is yours. There are always going to be little negative niggles.....but the positives should outweigh those :)

4:57 AM  
Blogger Fusion said...

Big decision to make Emily, but until it feels right to you, I'd wait. A little more time won't change things too much.

9:05 PM  
Blogger oldbear said...

HI Lady, i am with fusion.

NO DOUBT if this was thrust upon you by accident of birthcontrol or some other miracle you would do fine again.

But your reservatiosn need to be examined and reconciled first if at all possible, especially since you are doing a donor baby and BD was not so attachted during your last preganncy.

just my thoughts, blessings to you no matter what.


10:22 PM  
Blogger D said...

Emily - if it doesn't feel right for both you and Big Dude just don't do it. An only child can be a very happy fulfilled and well rounded one with the right parental care and external influences. Don't put yourself through something you are not 100% committed too especially as your life in general and sexually in particular has taken a long over due up turn of late

2:57 AM  
Blogger Lickety Split said...

Emily-- I agree with the concept that you both have to be 100% committed to it.

I have often beaten myself up for not trying for a third. My wife is a bit older and we're not sure if we can have another...but there's also a part of us that's not we don't even go there.

A baby is a gift and if you guys can give it the love and attention it needs without sapping the energy from your relationship then go for it,...but only with a committed heart.

7:47 PM  

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