Sex Date

You know, when I said below that we seemed to have resolved a lot of our relationship and sexual difficulties, I didn't mean that we have actually been having sex.

In fact, it's been a few weeks - four, five, possibly more. Maybe it is an example of how far we have come (ha!) that I don't know exactly how long it's been.

What I meant was some combination of the Big Dude generally seeming to keep track of how we are going and showing some commitment to our actually having a sex life, even if it's pretty low key. Also of me being more patient and having a little more faith.

But I gotta tell ya, after this long, I'm more than ready! So I'm happy we made a sex date for tonight.

Also, I've just been looking through my old fertility books and remembering how little sex we actually had during our fertility cycles. For one thing, the drugs make you feel like crap. Sex is truly the furtherest thing from your mind. After injections in the stomach, completely rewired hormones creating an imitation of early menopause and regular penetration by dildo-cam, all you want is for your vagina and yourself to be left alone together, no one else allowed! Then some clinics actually forbid you to have sex after the embry has been put in, and in the early weeks of pregnancy. Ours didn't, but I was far too paranoid and I probably would be again.

All of which means it's not exactly going to be a sexual feast around here. I'd better get it while I can!

New Phase

Quite a few good things happened this week.

I started my new job. So far, it's okay. It's hard to tell if it's going to be really "me". My expertise in the past has been about social/domestic policy. This is more international and closely linked to foreign policy and security issues. I felt very confident and relaxed in my old role and it feels quite disorienting to be in an area where I hardly know anyone and I don't know who to call when issues come up. But it's kind of stimulating at the same time. I think it was the right decision - at least for now.

Then, we had a few days of uncertainty about whether the loan for our fertility treatment would come through. I had been so focused on whether we were emotionally ready for a second baby or not that I was shocked to discover that I had almost forgotten about the money side of it. For a moment there, things looked bad, and I had to face the possibility that the whole thing might come unstuck purely on financial grounds. You wouldn't believe how much it costs, not to have the actual baby, but even to try for one. But yesterday, the loan was approved. On the same day, we received a large cheque in the mail. Suddenly, we went from complete uncertainty to rolling in cash. It felt like the planets were aligning to make this happen.

It has struck me today that this is starting to feel like the start of a whole new phase. We seem to be finally past some of the relationship and sexual problems we've had for years. I have at least partially resolved some spiritual and other issues I've had since my late teens. I am virtually changing careers after around a decade in the same or related field. We finally have a nice house to live in. We have one beautiful and much loved child and a real chance of having another.

I am happy. But more than that, life keeps moving on and I am rolling with it. A whole new phase of our lives is coming - bring it on!

Maybe Baby II

Alert readers may have noticed the reference below to an increased possibility of trying for a second baby.

Every since I made the appointment to see our specialist, I have felt my attitude slowly changing. As the days pass, my feelings about trying again seem to be becoming more positive. I think about having two little kids playing together, squabbling, and doing those sibling things - somehow, two kids seems more like a real family.

I passed our fertility clinic on the bus yesterday. I never liked that place. I always associated it with not wanting to be there, with anxiety, with the occasional stuff-up, and generally with bad news. During my treatment cycles, I increasingly got my Big Dude to make the calls. Somehow, I just didn't like dealing with them. When I brought my Little Dude in to say hello a few weeks after he was born, it felt like some kind of wiping out of bad memories. But still, when I've passed that office, I've kind of flinched a bit.

Yesterday, when I saw that familiar frontage, I felt different. I may even have smiled. Suddenly, they seemed less like somewhere I had to be when I didn't want to than like an ally - someone who might help me to get to where I want to go.

I think the odds of a Little Dude II (or Dudette I) are improving!

Food for Thought

Some of you may have noticed that I have adopted some better habits this year. But I am still a little heavier and a whole lot tireder than I was before I had my Little Dude and this is something that needs to be addressed.

For a start, this is the sixth day in a row that it has seemed like a good idea to try again for a second baby. And if there is a real possibility that I am going to be going through IVF, pregnancy and childbirth again, I need to be in the best possible health.

I hate dieting. It's not that I am not good at it. Actually, my mildly anal, compulsive side means that I am very good at dieting. I lose the weight okay. I'm usually one of the most successful "losers" in the group. But I don't seem to keep it off. As soon as I am off the diet, it all creeps back on. Also, I don't much like my mental state when I am dieting. It all starts off okay, but over time I get more and more compulsive about it until it becomes unhealthily obsessive.

So I am doing a program called Food for Thought at my local health centre. It's a non-diet approach to healthier eating. It promotes a lot of positive, self-nurturing things like:

*Freedom to listen to and nourish our bodies by eating when hungry, stopping when satisfied and choosing foods because we want to give our bodies the goodness they deserve

*Healthy attitudes to food and our bodies for long-term weight management

*Physical activity we enjoy

*Acknowledging that we are all individuals and that different things work for different people

*Making successful change and recognising that this is a process that takes time

*Taking the emphasis off weight as it is not the only measure of success

So, do you think this will work? Or is it all just dieting in disguise?