Something Happened II

Regular readers will know that, in the midst of a prolonged spiritual crisis, I have been trying to give God more of a chance in my life and even to give a local church a chance, too.

I had probably my most important spiritual experience in years a few days ago. Quite honestly, I'm not sure how to talk about it without sounding like a crazy person.

I have recently gone back to meditating with a meditation tape. This is something I used to do in 2003. I had been working way too much and drinking too much and generally doing my compulsiveness thing and I felt that I needed to calm down, so I took up meditating. But it kind of lapsed a few months after the immediate crisis was over.

One of these tapes is a New Age-type meditation, all about breathing in pink light, the mysteries of the universe and care for mother earth. Part of it is about unconditional love. Floating out into space and realizing the the universe is bathed in love and you are, too. I have always liked it, even though I usually end up smirking a bit through some of it because a lot of the actual words are complete gobbledygook psychobabble.

I was listening to the tape and it was leaving me a little cold. I was distracted. It was hard to get into it. But I thought it was a good discipline just to get in the habit of taking the 15 minutes it goes for as time to relax, so I finished it.

Some time later, the Big Dude had gone out, the Little Dude was asleep, and I was just quietly chilling out on the sofa. And I suddenly felt that God was there. Really there. Not ambiguous, not a light breeze that could be something and could be nothing. But something unmistakeable. And I felt something that I immediately recognised as the unconditional love of God.

I felt that God knew me, knew my situation, knew how I felt and was there. And loved me. Loved me regardless of the choices I've made, my flaws and limitations and even my attitude towards him. Suddenly I could really feel that love.

It's impossible to describe. It was like the universe suddenly opened up to show a different dimension. Or like my five senses were suddenly joined by a sixth sense that could perceive something very different.

I sat there for a long time, just resting quietly in the love of God. Then, for a little while, I prayed and hummed little hymns that I remember from a long time ago. For the first time in a long time, I actually wanted to worship God. And I thought of all the good things in my life and I thanked him and was grateful.

And since then, although that immediate feeling has gone away, it is still somehow with me.

There is a lot more to this story. More happened, both then and since, which I think will have to be the subject of another post because it would take too long.

I'm not sure in my own mind what happened. The sceptic in me says that a currently rather sad and isolated woman having a long dark night of the soul has somehow cooked up the whole experience for herself. Creating the experience out of her own longing for it and the half-baked ruminations of a meditation tape. And that's quite possibly true.

But I don't think so. I feel pretty normal. I just feel... better. More hopeful. More loved. Kinder to myself and to other people, too. More able to deal with what's going on around here.

Do you think I have finally completely lost it? Or do you think that God has finally turned up?