Thursday, February 01, 2007

Something Happened II

Regular readers will know that, in the midst of a prolonged spiritual crisis, I have been trying to give God more of a chance in my life and even to give a local church a chance, too.

I had probably my most important spiritual experience in years a few days ago. Quite honestly, I'm not sure how to talk about it without sounding like a crazy person.

I have recently gone back to meditating with a meditation tape. This is something I used to do in 2003. I had been working way too much and drinking too much and generally doing my compulsiveness thing and I felt that I needed to calm down, so I took up meditating. But it kind of lapsed a few months after the immediate crisis was over.

One of these tapes is a New Age-type meditation, all about breathing in pink light, the mysteries of the universe and care for mother earth. Part of it is about unconditional love. Floating out into space and realizing the the universe is bathed in love and you are, too. I have always liked it, even though I usually end up smirking a bit through some of it because a lot of the actual words are complete gobbledygook psychobabble.

I was listening to the tape and it was leaving me a little cold. I was distracted. It was hard to get into it. But I thought it was a good discipline just to get in the habit of taking the 15 minutes it goes for as time to relax, so I finished it.

Some time later, the Big Dude had gone out, the Little Dude was asleep, and I was just quietly chilling out on the sofa. And I suddenly felt that God was there. Really there. Not ambiguous, not a light breeze that could be something and could be nothing. But something unmistakeable. And I felt something that I immediately recognised as the unconditional love of God.

I felt that God knew me, knew my situation, knew how I felt and was there. And loved me. Loved me regardless of the choices I've made, my flaws and limitations and even my attitude towards him. Suddenly I could really feel that love.

It's impossible to describe. It was like the universe suddenly opened up to show a different dimension. Or like my five senses were suddenly joined by a sixth sense that could perceive something very different.

I sat there for a long time, just resting quietly in the love of God. Then, for a little while, I prayed and hummed little hymns that I remember from a long time ago. For the first time in a long time, I actually wanted to worship God. And I thought of all the good things in my life and I thanked him and was grateful.

And since then, although that immediate feeling has gone away, it is still somehow with me.

There is a lot more to this story. More happened, both then and since, which I think will have to be the subject of another post because it would take too long.

I'm not sure in my own mind what happened. The sceptic in me says that a currently rather sad and isolated woman having a long dark night of the soul has somehow cooked up the whole experience for herself. Creating the experience out of her own longing for it and the half-baked ruminations of a meditation tape. And that's quite possibly true.

But I don't think so. I feel pretty normal. I just feel... better. More hopeful. More loved. Kinder to myself and to other people, too. More able to deal with what's going on around here.

Do you think I have finally completely lost it? Or do you think that God has finally turned up?


Blogger Just Me said...

Em, I am so happy. God didn't show up, that implies that He was at some point away from you. But He did break through.

10:56 PM  
Blogger Just Me said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

10:56 PM  
Blogger Fusion said...

No Emily, you haven't lost it. I think God is always around and with us, and we find Him. Some people never look for Him, and some live for Him. I know He is there, although I am not looking for Him right now. I really don't know why either, but I do know He will still be there when I want/need/ask Him to. My journey is taking me in a different direction than yours right now, and that is how life is.
You should embrace your spiritual awakening, and let it fill you with the peace that your soul desires.
Take care.

11:14 PM  
Blogger Fiona said...

Emily, as you know I'm not into this whole big g business, even though I have experienced some of what you speak.

From my viewpoint, from your description, it sounds very much like the awakening of your kundalini.

"According to the yogic tradition, Kundalini is curled up in the back part of the root chakra in three and one-half turns around the sacrum. Yogic phenomenology states that kundalini awakening is associated with the appearance of bio-energetic phenomena that are said to be experienced somatically by the yogi. This appearance is also referred to as "pranic awakening". Prana is interpreted as the vital, life-sustaining force in the body. Uplifted, or intensified life-energy is called pranotthana and is supposed to originate from an apparent reservoir of subtle bio-energy at the base of the spine. This energy is also interpreted as a vibrational phenomena that initiates a period, or a process of vibrational spiritual development."

11:59 PM  
Blogger flutterby said...

Just Me said it perfectly.

Happy things are going your way, Emily.

7:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Lady, you are sane, and fortunate to feel as you do.

Its the gift of grace!

PAX, you are having it now, OB.

7:48 AM  
Blogger Finished Last said...

Don't over think but embrace the peace you have and enjoy it for what it is.

8:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Reading this post made me just a little bit giddy. And I don't get giddy very easily.

A desire to worship God is something that even many regular "churchgoers" don't have. That's great, Emily.

10:09 AM  
Blogger trueself said...

I think that God hasn't turned up, but that you have opened yourself to Him.

7:18 PM  
Blogger Lickety Split said...

what they said.


8:18 AM  
Blogger LBP said...

And the Nominees for "Most Heartwarming Post of 2007" are:

Something Happened II, by Emily

3:04 PM  
Blogger Christian Husband said...

Honey, God didn't suddenly turn up, you where just ready to see him there.

Reminds me of something I read in a book this week. This is from The Wall Between Us by King and Juliana:

"I have come to feel that full acceptance of another person -- as he is, not as he could be -- is basic to Christian interpersonal relationships. My motto as a wife is, "Love him -- and let him be." By "let him be" I do not mean, "leave him alone." I mean, "let him be" -- himself, as he is. To love "the self that he can be" is to love nothing. One of the greatest discoveries of my life has been that God loves me -- as I am. He wants me to be the person He had in mind when He made me, but He loves me now, as I am. "No matter what," I said to Sarah, our oldest, the other day when I was assuring her of God's love for her now. "No matter what?" she asked with almost incredulous relief. "No matter what," I assured her.

4:19 PM  
Blogger kissmekate said...

I am not sure what my beliefs are at present, but know that I have to open myself up to whatever it is that I seek. Well done on doing this!

May those peaceful feelings continue for you Emily.

6:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Yeah, it's unlikely that God 'just showed up', as if He'd been lost in Antarctica for the last few years.

But, I'll say, right along with you, that it's awful kind of Him to let us know, experientially, once in a while, that He's here. . .

8:38 AM  

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